Tyler's Testimony

Dens and i got married in December of 2004. Exactly 1 year after, i became pregnant with our first baby.  I remember the night i took my pregnancy test. It was around 11pm and the whole family was there.  I still remember the scene when i came out of the bathroom with the positive pregnancy test. Everybody was so happy.  My dad's eyes welled up in tears and Dens was literally jumping up and down for joy.

After a smooth 9 months, i went into labor the afternoon of October 5, 2006.  It was such a wonderful day as i excitedly called up my parents to tell them that our baby, Tyler, was ready to come out.  My mom, Dens, and I rushed to the hospital.  I didn't experience any pain no fear at all. It was just pure excitement.

After 12 hours of labor, the baby's fetal heart rate started to drop at every contraction.  So after some tests, they decided it was best to deliver him via caesarean section.

Tyler came out on October 6.  He came out with facial palsy on the right side of his face and he did not cry the whole time.  After several tests, they found that he had problems with the brain and heart which are 2 very vital organs.

On the 4th week, we had a very heartbreaking meeting with the doctors. They told us that most of Tyler's problems were incurable and that my son was already deteriorating.  The pain of hearing that news was more than i can ever explain.

Eventually, Tyler had to be intubated and placed on a respirator as he had difficulty breathing on his own.  We were truly hoping then that he would improve so that we can successfully remove the tube after only a few days.

November 24 was my  husband's birthday.  That morning, i prayed that God would grant us a beautiful day with Tyler.  When i went to visit him, Tyler was wide awake.  I placed my hand inside the incubator and Tyler just grabbed my finger.  He held on so tightly as if he didn't want me to go.  The  nurses were amazed and told me that it was not normally how Tyler would respond to them. They said that it was as if he knew it was me holding him.  I played with Tyler for the first time that day. I cried so much tears of joy.  God granted my prayer. It was indeed a beautiful beautiful day.

A month after Tyler was intubated, we had another meeting with the doctors and they advised us if we'd like to just cut a hole through Tyler's throat so that the tube can be removed.  However, the hole may be permanent as Tyler may never learn to breathe without difficulty on his own.  Furthermore, there was no guarantee how long he can live even with the hole.  We decided against surgery as it would just make it more difficult for Tyler.  We didn't want to see him grow up not being able to enjoy simple things that other children are enjoying like eating and breathing without assistance.  But since we cannot leave the tube for too long, the doctros said we had to make a decision soon.

After much prayers and discussion, we decided that should Tyler accidentally remove the tube on his own, then we would not re-intubate anymore.  And with that decision, we continued to pray so hard that God would heal Tyler.

On December 7, the nursery called us up early in the morning to tell us that the tube was out.  They asked us to rush to the hospital as Tyler may only hold out for a few minutes to an hour.  When we got to the hospital, Tyler had very labored breathing.  I can see that my son was really fighting to survive.

That day, after waiting for 2 months, i got to carry Tyler for the first time.  I cried so much as i knew it may be the first and the last time i'd get to cuddle my baby in my arms.  Before we knew it, the minutes turned into hours and it was already the morning of December 8.  Tyler made it through the night.  That day, Tyler's condition became more stable.  I didn't want to leave him that night but since we had very little sleep the past days, we decided to go home and rest for a while.  We left the hospital at 1am of December 9.

Around 8:45am, the nursery called us up to say we needed to rush back to the hospital as Tyler's oxygen level was going down.  Dens and i rushed to the hospital and arrived in less than 30 mins. We were already at the parking lot when the doctor called us up to say we were already too late.  We ran to the nursery and the first time i saw Tyler, he looked like he was just sleeping.  I kept on praying and asking God to give him back to us.  I even tried to wake Tyler up.  But God had other plans.  After 2 months and 3 days, God took Tyler back home.

So here's more of what really happened during those 2 months.  What i didn't tell you earlier was that God was very present during that very trying time in our lives. 

All throughout the 2 months of Tyler's life, i got a lot closer to God.  I found myself excitedly reading the Bible and fervently praying to God.  Our church learned a lot about prayer and the members started praying like they've never prayed before.  So when Tyler joined the Lord, i had so many questions.  There were just so many people praying for Tyler's complete healing. Why didn't the Lord answer?

The day before God took Tyler home, i got to talk to one of our church members (Mila).  She shared with me that God had impressed upon her that Tyler will be healed on December 9.  True enough, God took Tyler home on that exact date.

Now i understood better.  Now i know that God did answer our prayers.  Tyler is indeed completely healed. Maybe not in the way we wanted, but God knows best.  It is true that His ways are higher than ours.

I know that God does not make mistakes.  Although I may not fully understand His purpose for all of these, I know one thing for sure. God had used Tyler to bring our family and a lot of our friends closer to Him.  And i will not waste Tyler's life by pulling away from the Lord.

Sometimes we would ask if all those prayers for Tyler were in vain.  One thing i know for sure. Those prayers were what kept us going all throughout those 2 months.  Through the prayers of our love ones, God answered by using several people to minister to us and give us hope during those seemingly hopeless days.

The night we had our memorial service for Tyler was the first time our church has ever been filled to its full capacity.  I had been invited to some churches in Makati and Davao to share God's love through my son's life.  God has truly been using Tyler to open doors for us to minister to other people.

It has been a year since then.  And i will not be honest if i say i am now 100% okay.  It still hurts so much to see all of Tyler's little clothes washed and ready to be used.  And to see his fully furnished room and all the things we have prepared for him.  But God has given me so much comfort and promises. One of which is found in Jeremiah 29:11.  It says "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And i praise God because there is indeed hope after the storm.  My mom would always tell me that cyring may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

[Blogged November 28, 2007]

Letter to Heaven - written on Tyler's 5th Birthday

Anonymous –   – (August 17, 2012 at 3:42 PM)  

Mommy, I just discovered your blog and I could not help but cry while reading this post. You see, I have a very similar experience last 2003 when I gave birth to a baby boy through emergency CS (my tummy was not moving - he stopped kicking inside). He didn't cry when he was taken out of my tummy as he had sepsis. I was so shocked because my ultrasounds did not show any abnormality. I did not think that would happen to me. He was in the hospital for almost a month until he could not hold on any longer. Like you, I would visit him at the NICU everyday and would stay the whole day. The day he went with the Lord, the nursery called me in the morning and I rushed to see him. His doctor took him out of the incubator so I could hold him the first and last time while he was still breathing and fighting for his life. Even if it happened 9 years ago, I still think of my boy everyday. For a time, I could not understand why this happened to my baby. There are times I still don't quite get it. But I was not bitter - like you, I prayed so hard. I was blessed with another child, a gorgeous girl born in 2006. I did not get to enjoy my pregnancy as I was full of fears. But I had a sudden answer to my nagging question when she told me "Mom, Jesus said, I will take Rafael with me but will give you another baby to be with you - and that's me!" It made me cry and realize that if my boy was healed, I would probably not have my daughter as I would be too terrified to get pregnant again. While it is true that the hurt from this experience will never heal, time and of course, the Lord, has been too good to dull some of the pain. I pray that all mothers like us find happiness in the thought that we have exclusive angels guiding us. God bless you always! ---- Mommy Marie

Tiffany  – (August 22, 2012 at 8:11 AM)  

Hi Mommy Marie, thanks for sharing your story with me. How long was Rafael in the NICU? Before i became a mom, it was so hard for me to fully understand the pain of losing a baby - either newborn or through a miscarriage. But now i know. As soon as you see that positive pregnancy test, you start dreaming of the future with your little one. So losing them AT ANY TIME can be very painful.

I'm happy to hear you have your gorgeous little girl now. She sounds really adorable :) Life does go one...and God indeed heals.

Thank you again for sharing.

Anonymous –   – (August 30, 2012 at 10:25 AM)  

Rafael was in the NICU for almost a month only. I only got to hold him just before he took his last breath. Thank you for posts like this, mothers are able to share their experiences with those in similar situations. . . Mommy Marie

Tiffany  – (August 31, 2012 at 8:46 AM)  

Thanks, Mommy Marie. Your message is an encouragement to me.

Anonymous –   – (September 13, 2012 at 12:11 AM)  

I was in tears while reading this. I'm 8 months pregnant with my first child, my baby boy Asher Phoenix. I make sure everything is ready (from the nursery to all the little stuff he needs) by the time I give birth. Just thinking of the excitement I have right now while waiting for him to come out...I can't even imagine losing him. It must have been really hard for you as a mother...but I admire your inner strength and faith in God.

Thank you for sharing...

Tiffany  – (September 13, 2012 at 9:33 AM)  

Dear Mom of Asher,

God is indeed our strength. He loves us and He restores.

Enjoy your pregnancy! One month to go before you see your little boy :) That's so exciting.

God bless!

Anonymous –   – (September 26, 2012 at 9:25 PM)  

hello tiffany! i found out about ur blog thru new beginnings fb. i just lost my baby last march 20. at 20 week ultrasound, they told us that our baby is incompatible with life. she has mild holoprosencephaly and it affected her heart. it was a heartbreaking news for me and my husband. at 28 weeks, i had my preterm labor and delivered my baby via cesarean. im still grieving even up to this day. there were days when i feel crying like its the end of the world. but im fine. ur story inspires me. what happened to my first baby has strengthen my faith and everyday i am holding onto hope. that God has a purpose, why it has to happen. i hope to have another baby soon...in a way, i am scared coz i cant afford to lose another one. but 80% of me is hoping for the best. i know that God wont let it happen again and He loves me so much. thanks for sharing ur story. :)

Tiffany  – (September 27, 2012 at 7:47 AM)  

Hi! I'm glad you stumbled upon my blog. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is to still have your baby inside your tummy knowing she is not going to make it.

Don't let fear overcome you. Just trust God's plan for you and have faith in His goodness. I share my story because i want moms like you to know that there is hope after a loss. After we lost Tyler, a doctor even told me i may not get pregnant again. But after only 6 months, i got pregnant again with no medical intervention. Prayer works and God is bigger than any medical limitation. I prayed that i will enjoy all of my future pregnancies and you know i really did.

I look forward to hearing about your wonderful news of a healthy baby someday. It's exciting to hope in the Lord.

God bless!

Karsten Taniegra  – (February 24, 2013 at 6:10 AM)  

I know how it feels to lost someone. I understand the pain that you've gone through. I know God has restored your happiness, your faith with 2 wonderful kids that He has given your family.

Your faith really inspires me!

God bless you and family! :)

Tiffany  – (February 26, 2013 at 12:09 PM)  

Thanks for your well wishes and kind comment, Karsten.

Anonymous –   – (June 14, 2013 at 10:05 AM)  

Hi, i'm sorry for your loss. I know what it's like as I am currently going through it. I gave birth to a very sick child who appeared to have genetic disorder/syndrome. We still do not know her syndrome (tho I have strong feeling it is trisomy 9 as its characteristic matches hers) as the test is not available here in our province, we could not bring her to manila coz her breathing is not stable. She requires constant monitoring and oxygen all of the time. Currently she is still in nicu (since birth, now on her 21st day), still alive but barely hanging on. Looking at her with all those tubes is almost unbearable to me. She has multiple congenital anomalies, some of her body parts are incomplete or if complete, it has some kind of problem. She has possible mental retardation basing from her physical features (new born screening result not yet available but nonetheless, everybody knows what the result will be). She has 2 holes in her heart that can only be fixed through open heart surgery. Every day is a miracle that she is still alive but sometimes I do wish she would just let go and end all of our agony/misery. Even if she lives, I do not think it would be a "happy" one (sinalo nya na ata lahat ng problema sa katawan). Good that you already found peace about it but as for me, I am still in the phase where everything is a blur/shock, constant worrying, fear and at my lowest point in my life. My husband even gets annoyed/worried about me as I am becoming "obsessed" with her condition. All I do is research about genetic disorders/syndromes that is actually making me more paranoid or "praning" as we say it in tagalog. Sometimes I am even more knowledgeable than the nurses in the nicu due to my constant reading. This pain is just too much for me to bear but I must thank the Lord as I am still sane up to this day. Everyday is like torture, reading your post comforts me somehow and I am hoping I could find that "peace" in no time coz I do not know until when I can remain strong.
thank you for sharing your story. May God bless you and your family.

Tiffany  – (June 17, 2013 at 9:59 AM)  

Hello [Anonymous]

I absolutely know how you feel. When Tyler was still in the hospital, my constant prayer was for the Lord to heal him completely. I prayed that if it's not His will to heal Tyler, then i was ready to let go. If Tyler did live (and not get healed), it would mean having a peg on his stomach where he would be fed, and a hole through his throat in order for him to breathe. There is no quality of life and it would just have been harder for him.

Others may feel that your comment about 'letting go' is harsh but i understand where you're coming from. I encourage you to pray the same. Pray for complete healing! That is still our priority. But if the Lord wills otherwise, then tell the Lord you're willing to just surrender to His will.

However your baby's story will turn out, trust that God's plans are best for you. You may not imagine it now but a day will come when you can smile again. Things will get better. Don't lose hope in the Lord and trust in his goodness and love for your family.

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