When God Says No

We are now on unprecedented times. With the continous threat of the Novel Coronavirus (Covid19), our country and several other nations have been on Enhanced Community Quarantine (ECQ) or lockdown.

The past month has brough us such a roller coaster of emotions. We’ve experienced tremendous joy and peace, but we have also experienced tears and heartaches.  With the uncertainties of this virus, and friends around us getting sick, all of us have been praying like we’ve never prayed before. And while there are countless moments when God answers our prayers in accordance to what we prayed for, there have also been moments when His answers are not exactly what we were actually hoping for.

So tonight, I am going to tell you a story.  A story of answered prayers and seemingly unanswered prayer.  Let me start this story at the very beginning. It was Wednesday of March 11 and Papa was scheduled to have a board meeting in Greenhills that night. During the day, there were already news of the Greenhills Shopping Centre closing early because some of the salespeople there tested positive for Covid19. Of course, we became a little concerned and tried to convince papa to move their meeting elsewhere. But you know, during that time, the news of this virus was still not as rampant as it is now. So the board decided to still push through with their meeting.

A day later, papa started having fever, then days later the fever went away but he started having cough. A week later, the cough persisted and papa started losing his appetite. And with that, he also started to become very weak. He was practically lying down and sleeping the whole day. We got concerned and mommy decided to bring him to the hospital for check-up. We found out that week that one of the other board member that papa was with on that Wednesday night had already tested positive for Covid19. We prayed that papa will not have pneumonia and that he will be Covid19-free. But as you've probably guessed, Papa had pneumonia and he was tested positive for Covid19. 

Now this is the point where the story starts to turn for the better. We prayed for a room in the hospital to be available since we were initially told all the rooms were full. And God answered our prayers and made a room in Chinese General Hospital available for papa. We prayed that papa will regain his energy soon. And more importantly, that his appetite will come back…and let me tell you, the morning when papa asked for pears and coffee, our family called each other to celebrate the good news! We praised God and celebrated little victories because we were so hungry for good news. And to cut the long story short, after 11 days in the hospital, papa was discharged and finally tested negative for Covid19.

Our family is overjoyed and are truly praising God every day. And you know, I can finish this story by telling you how grateful I am to the Lord for healing papa because I truly am. But there is also another side to this story that I want to share with all of you.

I want to tell you about the first night papa stayed in the hospital by himself. I know papa probably did not feel the gravity of what he was going through at that time. But for us, it was one of the most difficult nights of our lives. With the news constantly talking about the dangers of Covid19, especially for those over the age of 60, we were all very afraid, to say the least.  I was telling my family that I’ve never seen my husband, Dens, cry so much in my life. We could not eat without shedding a tear and we could not sleep through the night. We were just so scared with the knowledge that things can easily, and so suddenly, turn for the worse. 

The most difficult part was not being able to care for papa and just stay with him in the hospital. Knowing that papa was all by himself, fighting this virus, in the hospital room was heartbreaking for all of us. He was not even answering our messages because he felt so weak and just wanted to sleep all day.  So we had very little visibility and news about how he was doing. It was just a very difficult time for our family.

And while I wish I can tell you that all throughout papa’s journey with Covid19, I was steadfast in prayer and never lost hope, that was not really the case.  On that first night, I was filled with so much fear that I could not even open my Bible because I was afraid of what message I might read. I was so scared because that night brought me back to a very similar situation our family went through 14 years ago. 

It felt too familiar to me. That night, with papa in the hospital, reminded me of the time our first born, Tyler, also fought for his life back in 2006. Like papa, Tyler was confined in the hospital by himself and we could not be with him since he was in the Neonatal ICU. I remember dreading every phone call from the doctors and nurses because I was almost sure they were just going to give us more bad news. And while I want to say that this is also the part of the story when things started to turn for the better, that was not the case.

Even with so much prayer, Tyler continued to deteriorate.  They found a problem with his heart, and his brain suddenly stopped developing. He eventually started having breathing difficulty and had to be intubated. On the morning of December 7, after being in the NICU for two months, I remember getting a call form one of the nurses telling us that Tyler had accidentally pulled the tube out while he was playing and they cannot put it back in anymore. They asked us to rush to the hospital as he may only have a few hours to live. 

Now I will not share all the details on Tyler’s testimony as that will need more time. But I want to read an excerpt from a journal entry that I wrote in December 2006 which summarizes what we went through.

“When we got to the hospital, Tyler had very labored breathing. I can see that my son was really fighting to survive. That day, after waiting for 2 months, I finally got to carry Tyler for the first time. I cried so much as I knew it may be the first and the last time I’d get to cuddle my baby in my arms. I savored each and every second of it.

There was a brief moment while mommy was carrying Tyler that he stopped breathing. We saw his heart rate and oxygen level go down fast. We prayed and I kept on calling Tyler’s name. And after a few seconds, he started breathing again and we were just so relieved.  Before we knew it, the minutes turned into hours and it was already morning of December 8.  We were so happy Tyler made it through the night.  

That day, Tyler became more stable. He didn’t seem as restless although his breathing was still labored. I wanted to just stay with Tyler the whole night but since we haven’t had any sleep the past 48 hours, papa and mommy advised that we should go home as we also needed to rest.  So we left the hospital very early in the morning of December 9.

At around 845am, we got a call from the nurse asking us to rush back to the hospital as Tyler’s oxygen level was going down really fast. The nurse called us up again after a few mins to check where we were. She was already crying and told me ‘sana maabutan nyo pa si baby’. Dens and I got to the hospital by 915am. We were already at the parking lot when the doctor called us up to say we were already too late. We ran to the nursery and the first time I saw Tyler, he looked like he was just sleeping. I kept on praying and asking God to give him back to us. I tried so hard to wake Tyler up. It was just so hard to accept. So on that December 9 morning, I carried Tyler once again in my arms. And this time I knew it was going to be the last time.”

Now the reason why I wanted to share this story is two-fold. I want to address two questions that I know a lot of us have had the past weeks.

(1) Why does God heal some people and not another?

The quick answer is - I really do not know. 

We have been celebrating and praising God for papa’s healing from Covid19. But you know, our family has also lost so many of our friends, some very very close to us, to this sickness the past weeks. It’s sometimes very easy for us to wonder why, after a lot of prayers, one person is healed and not another. 

And the reason why I shared our experience with Tyler is to let you know that as Christians - even if you are a pastor or a church leader - we are not exempted from trials.  But the big difference is that when you have God by your side, you are never going to walk through the darkness alone.

You know, all throughout the 2 months of Tyler’s life, I got a lot closer to God. I found myself excitedly reading the Bible and fervently praying to God.  So, when Tyler joined the Lord, I had so many questions.  There were so many people praying for Tyler’s complete healing.  Why didn’t the Lord answer? The day after God took Tyler home, I got to speak with one of our church leaders, Achi Mila, who shared with me that God had impressed upon her days before that Tyler will be healed on December 9.  And you know, that was the exact date that God took Tyler home.  Knowing that made me understand better. Now I know God did answer our prayers. Tyler is indeed completely healed in Heaven. Maybe not in the way we wanted, but God knows what is best for Tyler and our family. It is true that His ways are higher than ours.

I may not know why some are healed and others are not - and it’s definitely going to be one of the questions I will ask God when I finally see him face to face one day. But this I know for sure - I know that God does not make mistakes. I may not yet fully understand His purpose for taking Tyler so soon - and perhaps I never truly will.  But I will trust in God’s amazing and loving heart because I am confident that He knows what is best for me and my family.

While I wish I saw God’s miraculous healing upon Tyler – and I thought, oh that would have been such a wonderful testimony of God’s power.  But you know, what I witnessed instead was God’s miraculous provision of supernatural peace and strength upon dens and me to go on and live a joyful life. And I have been realizing every day, that our faith to God, despite of what happens in our lives, can be just a strong testimony of God's power and faithfulness to others.

Isaiah 40:31 “But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”

Now, the next reason I want to share my story is to answer this question. 

(2) How can we not let the disappointments of the past prevent us from trusting in God for the future? 

That first night when papa was in the hospital, I told Dens that I felt so scared. I told him that this felt too much like what we went through when Tyler was in the hospital. I was so afraid that this is going to be a repeat of what we went through.

I did not sleep and kept on praying and praying and praying all night. I asked God for supernatural peace. I also bravely asked Him for a word.  And so he gave me one. The word that God whispered in my heart that night was “Surrender”. I was reminded of Mary, mother of Jesus’, response when she felt fearful after finding out she was pregnant with the Son of God, she said in Luke 1:38 “‘I am the Lord’s servant, and I am willing to accept whatever God wants for my life”

So at that point - which was probably around 3 or 4 in the morning. I just decided to surrender everything to God. I remember praying “Lord, we cannot fight this virus. Even the doctors are puzzled at how to best treat this. Only you can stop this virus. And I know that as much as I love papa, you love Him even more. And I completely surrender papa into your hands.”  And surrendering to God does not mean giving up on prayer. It simply means not letting fear control my thoughts and putting my full trust on a powerful and loving God.

After that, I opened my devotion and God spoke to me again. It read:

“Sometimes, our past disappointments can easily make us expect the absolute worst for tomorrow. I’m challenging myself not to mentally run too far into an unknown future. I just have to make the most responsible decisions I can for today and place the rest in God’s hands. My job is to obey God. God’s job is everything else. Therefore, I can feel afraid, but I don't have to live afraid.”

But you know, just when peace is starting to fill your heart, the enemy can steal it and fill you with panic all over again. I started remembering how we lost Tyler and fear started to creep in. Then God reminded me to evaluate and look at my life now 14 years later.  I was suddenly overwhelmed with God’s love and faithfulness.  I realized that God’s presence has never left our family all those years and there is nothing to fear. That night, before I was finally able to sleep, I looked at my two sleeping children and thought ‘how can we not trust God to do what is best for us?’ He sent His son to die on the cross for our sins, what more can he not do for us? We may not always get what we’re praying for and perhaps we may not truly understand why. But He is a God who restores. He restores joy and He restores peace. And know this. What may seem like an unanswered prayer only means that God has a better answer for you.

We are now living in this world where concerns of pandemic and loss of precious lives have been a daily battle cry. When we feel such panic, pain and suffering, all of which are out of our control, it’s really very easy to let fear take over.

But let’s remember God’s message to us in Psalm 64:10 - and this is my favorite verse - it says “Be still and know that I am God”

And I will close with this statement from one of my favorite authors, Mark Batterson.   “I do not know what we are going to do, but I do know what we are NOT going to do. We are NOT going to be afraid. We are going to stand still. And we are going to see the deliverance of the Lord”

Note: This testimony was shared during an FB LIVE online prayer meeting on April 23, 2020. If you wish to see the video, you may click on this YouTube link. For the complete FB LIVE prayer time, please visit HCF Manila. You can also read back on Tyler's story in this blog. 

Read more...

Losing Tyler

It was a Saturday morning, exactly 10 years ago, when I picked up that dreadful phone call.

 
For those of you whom my husband and I have only met recently, you may not know that we once had a baby boy named Tyler.  We lost him when he was only two months old due to a congenital problem that affected his heart and brain development.

To say that the months following Tyler's death was difficult would be an understatement.  He was our first child, the first nephew of my sisters, and the first grandchild of my parents.  While losing Tyler meant grieving the loss of our son, to me it also meant losing my chance to finally call myself a mother. 
 

Immediately after losing Tyler, we went to see the doctor to check if I was healthy enough for another pregnancy. After some tests, we were told that it may be difficult for me to conceive naturally due to my polycystic ovaries.  But I knew that my God is greater than any medical limitation.  So we trusted in Him and waited for his perfect time.

Throughout the months after God took Tyler home, I found solace in God’s word. I read it like I’ve never read the Bible before. I was reminded of verses that I have read over and over as a child. They suddenly became anchors for me to be still at a time when my heart felt very confused.  Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future” – this verse was not new to me but it was a promise that I held on and claimed repeatedly as I prayed to the Lord.

I decided to surround myself with God's word.

Literally! 

I would write down countless verses that spoke to me on yellow post-it notes and stick them on the wall above our bed. Verses such as Philippians 4:6-7 which reminds me not to be anxious about anything.  But by prayer with thanksgiving, I just had to present my requests that God. And He promised to give me peace that transcends all  understanding.  I would read each of them before I slept and then again as soon as I woke up.  They were a constant reminder that regardless of the season we were in, our Savior is a good good father.

God’s word powered me through life and his promises unfolded one by one.  On that beautiful morning in March of 2008, I once again held a tiny baby boy in my arms. This time, a very healthy and normal baby. We named him Troy.  The Lord fulfilled Jeremiah 29:11 that day.  I saw hope and the beautiful future he had planned out for us in the eyes of our child.

And contrary to expectations, I was not afraid all throughout the pregnancy. It was supernatural how I was not anxious. It was supernatural how I was not worried that our baby would have the same condition as Tyler. I was overjoyed with His blessing. And I was at peace. It was the kind of peace described through Philippians 4:7. It indeed transcended all understanding. Again, another promise unfolded.

God's word is always true. He may not have healed Tyler physically, but He healed our hearts.  I have shared this before and I want to share it again. My mom would constantly remind me of God's promise through Psalm 30:5 after Tyler's passing. "Weeping may last for a night, but His joy comes in the morning".  And indeed, another joy came to us one early morning in 2011. We named her Dawn.

It has been almost 10 years since I was told that motherhood seemed loss for me. But God’s promises prevailed. Every morning I wake up and I see two little miracles sleeping beside me.  They will always be a reminder of how much God loves me. They are a testament of God’s power and love. His word is always true. His promises will always be fulfilled.

Whatever season you are in right now, I encourage you to go to His word.  Find the peace that only He can give.  Claim His promises. And watch your beautiful future unfold.

Read more...

Random Thoughts on My Son's Eight Birthday

Troy turned eight yesterday. As I was having breakfast, I thought about the day he was born. I was reminded of his beautiful loud cry in that operating room and the congratulations from visitors that were not present during my first delivery.  It brought me back to the many nights I stayed awake wondering whether I will ever get pregnant again, or those days when I would allow myself to think about the empty crib in the beautifully decorated baby's room and wonder whether we would ever use them. Then I saw a photo of my now eight-year old boy. Then I cried.

 

From the time you decide you want to have a baby to the time the healthy baby finally arrives, Motherhood is never easy. Somewhere in between, there's always a story to tell. Whether it's about the fear of infertility, going through miscarriages, or perhaps experiencing infant loss, a lot of us have walked that path. The threat of unfulfilled dreams is, a lot of times, the hardest to accept.

 

The past 10 years has been quite a journey. There were those difficult days in 2006 when I just wanted to sleep all day until I wake up from a seemingly bad dream. Then there are happy days in 2016 when all I want to do is to enjoy all 24 precious hours with my children.  This is where 10 years has brought our family. I look at my children now and I am reminded of how much God has been with us through the years. He did not allow me to stay in that black hole I have placed myself in ten years ago. And the miracle in all of this is that all I needed to do was to simply trust in Him.

 

Whatever stage you are in right now, do know this. Pray and trust in Him even when facts tell us otherwise. Trust in His good plans for your life.  Because I tell you, once you decide to surrender your worries to God, you will experience the joy of living that abundant life that He has always intended for you.   

 

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 

 

Read more...

The Gift of Hope

I once read a quote that says "Never deprive anyone of hope because it might be all they have left".  I was 13 years old when I read that in Robert Fulghum's book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. I read it in passing but the quote has somehow stayed with me and I am constantly reminded of it through the years. Hope, i came to understand, is such a simple yet powerful concept.

 

The toughest season of my life started two months before Christmas of 2006 when our first child, Tyler, was born. I can still remember having my two best friends sitting on my hospital bed when my mom delivered the sad news to me. Tyler had facial palsy on the left side of his face. I remember slowly processing that thought and asking questions I knew they had no answers to. I remember those nights I pretended to sleep beside Tyler by holding his picture on our digital camera on my pillow.  Or those days when I would instinctively turn on the camera first thing in the morning to look at his face once again.  I remember the first time Tyler held my hand on that November 24 morning while he was inside the incubator. I remember feeling overjoyed because I felt that he knew I was his mom. I remember the scent of the alcohol in the NICU that I tried searching for it in the groceries long after Tyler was gone. 

 

I can tell you a 1,001 things I remember during those two months with Tyler in our lives. I remember every feeling, every thought, every smell.  Because when you only get to spend two months with your child, you scramble inside your brain to try and remember every moment of it.

Through all of those random thoughts, one thing remain consistent in every day of Tyler's life. I remember praying. Praying hard. On my knees. Every single day.  Every moment I can. My days were filled with streams of conversations with the Lord.  I remember attending worship Sunday after Sunday. I remember going down on my knees as we sang. I remember my cousin embracing me and crying with me throughout the song.  I remember regularly attending prayer meetings and feeling comforted by the prayers lifted up for Tyler.  I remember how one of our church mates prayed over me in Chinese. I could not understand all the words but I remember feeling the Lord's peace wash over me. I remember finding solace in God's church, with God's people.

 

Prayer was my anchor during those times. One thing I came to realize recently was that during those two months, God's best gift to me was delivered through prayer. Consistently praying to the Lord gave me hope. Hope that my future is safe in God's hands. Hope that God's got my back.  Hope,  I realized, is a by-product of prayer. When we seek God and pray around His promises, then we are encouraged to repeatedly not lose hope.

 

While we all know that Tyler was not eventually healed, I realized that the power of prayer during those months was my power to carry on. Hope was God's gift to us.

 

It has been nine years since those difficult days. God has turned our sorrow into dancing.  It was not an easy path but God has been with us every step of the way. We went through two other pregnancies without fear because God has constantly been our hope. We are now blessed us with two beautiful children who will always be a testament of God's love and faithfulness over our family.

 

That, my friends, is the power of prayer.

 

 

Know Tyler's story:

• Tyler's Testimony - http://densandfan.blogspot.com/2011/08/tylers-testimoney-blogged-november-28.html
• A Letter to Heaven - http://densandfan.blogspot.com/2011/10/letter-to-heaven.html
• 65 Days with Tyler - http://densandfan.blogspot.com/2012/10/65-days-with-tyler.html 
• One Sad December Morning - http://densandfan.blogspot.com/2012/12/one-sad-december-morning.html 
• Remember 2006 - http://densandfan.blogspot.com/2013/10/remembering-2006.html
• I Will See You in Heaven - http://densandfan.blogspot.com/2014/04/i-will-see-you-in-heaven.html 

Read more...

On Letting Go and Moving On

I recently read an except from the book Lament for a Son. The book is written by a father who lost his son through an accident.  I have not read the entire book but I thought the words written holds true for those of us who have experienced grief.

 

Rather often I am asked whether the grief remains as intense as when I wrote. The answer is, No. The wound is no longer raw. But it has not disappeared. That is as it should be. If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over.

 

Grief is an existential testimony to the worth of the one loved. That worth abides. So I own my grief. I do not try to put it behind me, to get over it, to forget it… Every lament is a love-song.

The months following Tyler's passing, I remember wanting to cry.  And it's not uncontrollable crying. It's almost like I was intentionally making myself sad by remembering Tyler. Similar to how you want to watch sad movies and do a cryfest or tempting yourself to a horror movie only to scare yourself silly days after. I just wanted to cry. It's not because I am a sadist of some sort; but somehow,  I felt that crying validates my grief. And my grief, validates Tyler's existence.

 

This is one thing I came to realize. You should allow yourself to feel sad. Days after Tyler passed away, a number of well-meaning friends have said words like "You should move on" or "You need to let go".  I know it's good advice in the general scheme of my life. But during that season of my life, i did not want to move on. I did not want to let go. Moving on and letting go, to me, felt like forgetting Tyler.

 

I remember having the same thoughts weeks after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I did not want to move on. It was a good relationship that just did not work out the way we wanted it to.  Moving on felt like forgetting the relationship. And I needed time to wallow in my sadness. And in hindsight, I think, that's all right too.

 

I like the line from the book that says If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over.  When we grieve over someone, it just tells others that the person was loved by us. It's okay to be sad. And when you're done being sad, then that's the time you move on. And you don't need to force yourself to let go of the pain. Time, as I have come to understand, does that for us.

 

If you are still in the season of grief, let me tell you this: It's okay to be sad and it's okay to cry. It does not make you any less stronger. It just makes you human.  Take it from someone who still cries at random events and needs a box of tissue every now and then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read more...

I Will See You in Heaven

Have you ever encountered God in a movie theater?

Last Easter Sunday, our family decided to watch Heaven is For Real. I am familiar with the book and was excited to watch the movie the first time i saw the trailer. This is a true story about a 4-year old boy who talks about how he has visited heaven while he was being operated on for raptured appendicitis. Although i have yet to verify how Biblical his experience truly is, in my heart i believe that his encounter is real. And more importantly, that it is from the Lord.

Having lost Tyler back in 2006, i have always wondered about Heaven. I often tell Dens that when the time comes for God to call me back to Him, i will look for Tyler. But until last Sunday, i don't think i was really brave enough to ask the questions that have been in my heart for so long.  I have always silently wondered if Tyler would remain a baby forever. I questioned how we could ever really communicate if that was the case. Furthermore, i know from the Bible that our earthly relationships are no longer the same in heaven. That thought hurts me somehow because that meant that Tyler would never know me as his mom.  I would always try to comfort myself with the idea that there is no more sorrow in heaven. But thinking about it never fails give me that lump in my throat that i cannot get over.

As soon as i got home from watching the movie, i immediately started reading the book of the same title that my dad gave me over a year ago. It has an excerpt of the time the 4-year old boy, Colton, visited heaven and met his unborn sister.  She passed away when his mom miscarried the baby during the first/second trimester.

"Mommy, I have two sisters," Colton said.

I put down my pen. Sonja didn't. She kept on working. 

Colton repeated himself.  "Mommy, I have two sisters."

Sonja looked up from her paperwork and shook her head slightly.  "No, you have your sister, Cassie, and...do you mean your cousin, Traci?"

"No." Colton clipped off the word adamantly.  "I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn't you?"

At that moment, time stopped in the Burpo household, and Sonja's eyes grew wide.  Just a few seconds before, Colton had been trying unsuccessfully to get his mom to listen to him. Now, even from the kitchen table, I could see that he had her undivided attention.

"Who told you I had a baby die in my tummy?" Sonja said, her tone serious.

"She did, Mommy. She said she died in your tummy."

                                    --------------------------------------------------------------

"In heaven, this little girl ran up to me, and she wouldn't stop hugging me," he said in a tone that clearly indicated he didn't enjoy all this hugging from a girl.

"Maybe she was just happy that someone from her family was there," Sonja offered.  "Girls hug. When we're happy, we hug"

Colton didn't seem convinced.

Sonja's eyes lit up and she asked, "What was her name? What was the little girl's name?"

Colton seemed to forget all about the yucky girl hugs for a moment.  "She doesn't have a name.  You guys didn't name her."

How did he know that?

"Your're right, Colton," Sonja said.  "We didn't even know she was a she"

Then Colton said something that still rings in my ears: "Yeah, she said she just can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven."

From the kitchen table, I could see that Sonja was barely holding it together.  She gave Colton a kiss and told him he could go play.  And when he left the room, tears spilled over her cheeks.

"Our baby is okay," she whispered.  "Our baby is okay."

From that moment on, the wound from one of the most painful episodes in our lives, losing a child we had wanted very much, began to heal.


Isn't that amazing? I've read this part of the book so many times and it still overflows my heart with so much joy. Our little Tyler is truly well now. I want to believe the Lord allowed Colton to experience this to give healing to his parents and to every parent who has experienced the loss of a child. 

Thank you, Lord, for this revelation.  We will see Tyler again when we get to heaven and he will know that we are his parents. I will meet him and tell him of how much the Lord has used him to change our lives. He will know how much we love him and we will tell him all about his siblings, Troy & Dawn.  We may have lost him for several years on earth, but it looks like we will be enjoying eternity together with the Lord in heaven. How wonderful is that?

The idea of eternity in heaven has never felt more real. This is truly a beautiful movie. Pray, as you watch it, that God will reveal His heart to you. Be ready - you will find yourself seeking more of Him after watching this film.  May the Lord use this film to touch the hearts of people and draw them closer to Him. Heaven is indeed for real. Jesus is for real.

Jeremiah 29:13 says "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Read more...

The First Time I Met My Children

Do you still remember the first time you  met your children? I do. It was very different for all three of them. I'd like to share my story with you.

I still vividly remember the first time I was about to meet Tyler. I was filled with anxieties since i was already told that he had paralysis on the left side of his face. Fears of not being able to accept his deficiencies troubled me as i slowly entered the NICU. The moment i laid my eyes on him, i thought to myself "He's perfect". I felt that he was the most beautiful baby i have ever seen. After that initial impression, thoughts of his condition started to sink in. And i broke down in that NICU. It was the day we were checking out of the hospital. I cried all the way home wondering how many days his crib will remain empty.  I knew nothing then of what lied ahead of us in the coming months.

My pregnancy with Troy was the most joyful one. I had very little morning sickness and i was happy most of the time. We prayed for a little boy.  More than the blue-decorated nursery in our house, I knew that since we lost Tyler, there is that longing in my heart to be a mother to a healthy baby boy. God saw my heart and answered our prayers. I felt very connected with Troy during my pregnancy. I would talk to him and read stories to him. I already 'knew' him even before he was born. Then March 7 came and i gave birth to Troy. Dens wheeled me to the nursery, 24 hours post surgery, to breastfeed Troy.  I was about to meet him for the first time (save for those few glimpses that i had in the operating room).  I excitedly waited in the breastfeeding room for him. It felt like meeting Dens again for the first time after over a month of talking daily over the phone (but that's another story). I wondered how he looked like and how he would react to me. Then the nurse came in with Troy.  He was bundled in a light blue blanket and was handed over to me. I carried him and looked at him. My first thought was 'Oh wow, he's so beautiful.' I also remember thinking how he amazingly looks so much like Tyler.  I kept looking at him and cannot seem to fathom that this perfect little baby that i am carrying is my own.  Then i started to struggle with the concept of motherhood. What was i supposed to say to him now?  What do i do with him?  It was a concept i cannot seem to  immediately grasp. I felt disconnected somehow. It did truly feel like the first time i met Dens in person. There was a brief moment of awkwardness even though we were already so close over the phone. But just like that, the awkward feeling immediately went away. Tears started to form as i  continued to look at this baby who also stared back at me. He is so healthy. He is my child.  I held him tighter and i felt my heart swell with so much love and pride. I was filled with gratitude for this gift of life. I was officially a mom again.

Dawn came three years later.  During my pregnancy, I often felt tired and i hardly had the chance to read stories to Dawn. I was also busy doing my online shopping for girls' clothes and conducting surveys for girls' names more than anything. I was just excited to have a girl added to our small family.  The day after I gave birth to Dawn was the first time I was to meet her in person. I found myself waiting excitedly in that same breastfeeding room once again. I looked around the room and saw the familiar breastfeeding pumps and storage bags. They did not feel foreign anymore. I felt more at ease. Then the nurse came in with this tiny baby wrapped in a baby pink blanket.  And it felt different the this time. Even though i did not feel any connection during pregnancy, i somehow immediately felt drawn to her the moment i laid my eyes on her.  One look at her and i knew she was my child. My first thought was "She's so pretty!" I couldn't believe a baby can already look gender-specific. She truly looked like a girl.  I looked at her and i felt complete. She was another answer to my prayers. Another prophecy fulfilled. I was just amazed.

Meeting our children for the first time can come in different forms. Some of you may feel that instant connection like i did with Dawn, while others may also struggle with the idea of mothering a child like i did with Troy. Regardless of how your first meeting will become, one thing is certain.  It will all lead to this feeling of pure and unconditional love.  A love so fierce that overwhelms you.  And from that moment on,  you will stay in love forever. 



Read more...

Remembering 2006




http://www.punchbowl.com

They say 7th birthdays are special. I wonder why. 



Exactly this day Seven years ago, i was walking around the Mall of Asia trying to induce my 41-week old pregnant belly. The crib has been set up in our room, the new baby clothes washed and folded inside the white plastic drawers. My parents monitored their phones for that text or call from me to say 'I'm in labor!'. Their first grandchild was going to be born anytime soon. I remember the cool breeze as Dens and i walked around the bay area. Talking about our dreams for the little one that was going to change our lives forever.

Then my contractions started. We made the text announcements to our family as we excitedly drove home. My mom met us at home and we went to the hospital together. Twelve hours of painless labor later, i only dilated to 7cm. Baby's heartrate was dropping so we had to do an emergency c-section. When Tyler came out, i caught a glimpse of him.  He did not cry. He weighed only 4 pounds and 13 ouces. Such a tiny fighter. My mom knew something was wrong. I didn't. Then I fell asleep in the operating room.

Dens and my dad were waiting for the good news outside the operating room. My mom gave my dad a call on his mobile phone and he told Dens that there seems to be something wrong with Tyler. Dens said he felt weak in the knees.  My Dad and Dens stool still, trying to absorb the unexpected news.

A few days later, they shared the news to me. Two short months later, we lost Tyler.

Tomorrow is October 6. Seven years after our first child was born. They say 7th birthdays are special. Yes, that's true.  But to me, 7th birthdays are just as special as the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and beyond.  Every year spent with your love one is another year to celebrate. 

On Sunday, i will wake up and embrace my two children a little tighter. Lie in bed with them a little longer. I will bask in the moment and remember it forever. Cause life is too short to miss a day. Cherish your blessings. Let go of past hurts. Enjoy the gift that is today.

God bless.

Read more...

The Promise of Joy

Psalm 30:5 "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning"

I love that verse. For the darkest two months in my life back in 2006, i remember wondering if i will ever be happy again. I wasn't being melodramatic but that was truly the dread that i felt during those months. For those of us who have gone through severe grief, i am sure you know what i'm talking about. It's very hard to imagine being happy when you're extremely sad.

I dreaded going back to our house with the empty crib and unused clothes. I stayed away from children's parties and toy stores months after Tyler's passing. My heart broke silently as we celebrated with my family and friends on the arrival of their healthy babies. That was really a difficult time.

Then my mom shared Psalm 30:5 to me. That was my comfort and i held on to God's promise of joy each time fear and depression started to creep its way into my heart.  Twenty-two months after that sad December morning, our promise of joy came true. God blessed us with a very healthy baby boy.

Troy is now 5 years old and each time i see him, i am reminded of God's faithfulness in our lives. He is true to His promise and He will never fail us.

Some of you may be going through a difficult time right now. Some may be minor bumps on the road while others may be grave. Either way, rest assured that God is in control so long as you trust in Him. As sure as the morning comes after the night, His promise of joy will come after the sorrow.

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you"

Read more...

He Has Been Good To Me

Do you have one of those days when you feel that God is hiding from you? Why hasn't he answered your prayers? Those days when the message of Psalm 13:1 "How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?" feels more accurate than ever?

After we lost Tyler, we often hear people say how strong our faith in God is. They would say it's a good thing we didn't 'give up' on the Lord. I often wonder why people would say that. I don't really know how to answer them because, for me, there wasn't any other way but to continually trust Him. The last paragraph of my devotion below explains it beautifully and i would like to share it with all of you.
**********************************************************************************
One of the hardest challenges I’ve faced is finding God in loss. I remember sitting with a mother in a hospital, praying for the recovery of her daughter. The daughter had been married only a year. While delivering the woman’s baby, the doctor nicked something with his knife. Now the young woman was fighting for her life.

Her mother was inconsolable. When we prayed, she felt no peace. Within hours, her daughter was gone. After that, the mother stopped going to church. The young husband was angry and didn’t know how to care for his baby alone. Where was God?

That question is often asked in suffering or loss. And often the only answer appears to be silence. The promises of Scripture fade in the agony of sorrow. The Holy Spirit seems to withdraw from hearts that grow chilly. Where is God when airplanes crash? Where is God when a spouse is unfaithful? Where is God when a baby dies? Where is God?

Psalm 13 echoes those concerns. In verse 1, the psalmist David asks God, “How long will you hide your face from me?” But this isn’t the end of the psalm. Rather, the psalmist goes on to assure us that our God, who is enthroned on high, stoops low to see and hear and know us—even when we can’t see his face and his words are like a foreign language to us.

“I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation,” said David (Psalm 13:5). Likewise we continue to love and trust God, not for what we get out of it right now, but because it is the only way to make sense of this life. We trust in God, not because we always feel the wonder of his divine presence, but because there is truly no one else to turn to but God. And in time we will live to say, “He has been good to me” (Psalm 13:6).
- Wayne Brouwer

Read more...

One Sad December Morning

I still remember it vividly. The dreaded phone call that woke us up on that early December morning. I answered the phone and the nurse told me 'Mommy, punta na kayo dito. Nahihirapan na huminga si Tyler' [Mommy, you have to come quickly. Tyler is having difficulty breathing]. I immediately shared the news with my husband who was axiously sitting beside me. Without saying a word, both of us jumped out of bed, grabbed the nearest set of clothes we can find and rushed out to the car.

We hardly said anything on the way to the hospital. I remember how my hands felt so cold wrapped in Dens' hand. When we got to the parking lot, Dens' cellphone started to ring. I looked at the screen and saw that it was our pediatrician calling. Both of us were already out of the car but the doors were still open.  My heart sank and i gave Dens a terrified look. He stared at me and slowly answered the phone. He just said 'hello, dra?...okay...okay...bye' then he looked at me and i knew he wanted to embrace me and tell me it's going to be okay. But the car was between us and Dens looked stunned and couldn't move. I immediately knew what the pediatrician said. I collapsed to the ground and kept on asking Dens to call the pediatrician back and tell her we're already here. I wanted to tell her 'Please, wait for us! not yet!'

After those few seconds that felt like forever, Dens and i closed the car doors and started running up the hospital to the NICU. I was running and praying but i really didn't know how else to pray. When i got to the NICU, all the nurses and pediatrician were in Tyler's room. They were huddled around his little crib crying. I saw our lifeless baby boy wrapped in the light blue blanket that we had excitedly bought for him several happy months ago. He looked like he was just sleeping. I carried him and cried like i never cried before. I asked him to wake up but he never did. It was the saddest day of my life.

That was six years ago on December 9. Four days before my birthday. 16 days before Christmas.

Last night as Dens and i were about to go to sleep. We were laughing as we were viewing some pictures and videos of Troy and Dawn on my iPhone. I told Dens how blessed we are to have them. As i was about to sleep, i just couldn't stop praising God and thanking Him for our two beautiful children. I closed my eyes and smiled - God truly loves me. And my children are His reminder to me every single day. I just felt so happy.  Yesterday was December 9.

It's amazing how God restores. He restored my joy and my peace. He has turned our lives around by His love and grace.

Some of you may be going through a difficult time right now. Just like me, you may be thinking you will never be sincerely happy ever again. Know that God is amazing. He can touch your heart like you never thought possible. Don't lose hope.  Have faith in Him. I assure you He will never fail you!

Psalm 30:11 "You turned my mourning into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy"

I leave you with the best Christmas presents i can ever receive!


Best holiday store display in my opinion

Read more...

65 Days with Tyler

I have never loved someone i've only met for 2 months so much. 

I guess that's the miracle of being a mom.

In 2006, we became parents to a little baby with a big testimony for the Lord. You know how people who go through hard times always say 'I hope i'd wake up from this bad dream'? Well, that's truly how i felt. Cliche as it may be, each day with Tyler in the hospital was another day of denial for me. I kept on wishing it was just a terrible dream that i will soon wake up from. I dreaded every call from the nurses in the NICU and every text from our pediatrician. The Lord took Tyler back after 65 days. It was the most heartbreaking day of my life.

But my story doesn't end there. 6 years later, i am sitting in our bedroom watching our two wonderful kids playing with each other and laughing non-stop. God truly restores. Our family is a testament of God's faithfulness. I may not understand all His plans for me...but I trust His heart.

Happy 6th Birthday in heaven, Anak. Until we meet again...we love you always and forever.

Read about Tyler's life here - http://densandfan.blogspot.in/2011/08/tylers-testimoney-blogged-november-28.html

Tyler's 5th Birthday - http://densandfan.blogspot.in/2011/10/letter-to-heaven.html

Read more...

Happy Blog Anniversary

I started blogging in 2007 after we lost our first baby Tyler. I decided to write about what we went through and all of God's wonderful blessings after that. My blog then was limited to family and friends since I did not think others will be interested in what I have to say if they do not know me personally.

Some speaking engagements later, I decided to 'go public' and share Tyler's testimony to others. I started this new blog in August of 2011 and shared our family's journey as they unfold. I blog because I want people to see that there is truly hope after a storm. I want people to see God's goodness and that our family's story did not end after losing Tyler. God has been wonderful and my heart overflows with gratitude.

I have received so many thoughtful letters and tweets from people I don't even know. From the person who said reading about our story restored her faith in God to the mom who said that God comforted her through the blog after she miscarried her first baby - you are why I write.  I am further inspired to share our family's testimony as I witness how our loss has helped others.

It has been a year and we have an exciting journey ahead. Thank you for sticking around. God bless.

Read more...

Grieving Forward

When we lost Tyler, one of the best gifts that i received was a book entitled Grieving Forward.

The book is written by a christian author, Susan Duke, who lost her teenage son tragically in a car accident. She talks about the shock and denial, the pain that she thought will never go away, and the struggle to find a new normal in her life.

Here is an excerpt from the book.

"They were the words every mother prays she will never hear.  
Words I had told God i could never bear.  'I'm so sorry,' the doctor whispered, 'we couldn't save Thomas.'  I grabbed the doctor's hands and searched his steel blue eyes for one fragment of hope.  "There must be some mistake,' I said desperately.  "You must have my son confused with someone else in the accident."
But his tear-filled eyes told me he had nothing else to say.  From a place deeper than I knew existed within my soul, a slow, wailing groan began to rise.  Suddenly drained of all strength, I fell to my knees.
The groan became a wild cry.  I couldn't silence the resounding "No!" that escaped my lips and echoed down the hospital corridor.
My face felt hot.  My heart pounded violently.  But my body was as lifeless as the cold tile floor beneath my knees.  I silently screamed, 'Where are you, God? How could you let this happen? I thought we had an unshakeable understanding! I trusted the promise I've read countless times - that You will never give anyone a greater burden than they are able to bear.'
That promise, standing like an invisible guardian over the most vulnerable part of my heart, had secured my faith in my God"


I remember reading the book and thinking that it was exactly how i felt when we lost Tyler. The circumstances were definitely different, but the pain of losing a child felt very familiar. The author wrote about things that made me understand how i felt. She talked about the questions in her mind that mirrored mine.

One thing that most parents who experience loss would say is 'Why did God have to bless me only to take away so soon?' I had the same question before. But also i remember feeling the joy of knowing I was pregnant, the 9 months of motherhood bliss, and even the honor of being a mom to Tyler. Would i really stop loving just to avoid getting my heart broken?

This is what the author had to say.

I thought of the eighteen years of blessings my son had given me: the joy, the laughter, and yes, the dancing, for Thomas loved to dance.  There were times, i admit, i halted between the great memories and the ever-present pain of his absence.  I still have days when missing him is almost more than i can bear.
One day, after a time of pleading with God to take away the pain, my thoughts turned to a 'what if' that changed my perspective and helped me gain acceptance in my grief.  What if I had been given a choice of having and loving Thomas, knowing I'd have him only for eighteen years, or not having him in my life to love at all, thus bypassing the pain:  what would i have chosen?
What would you choose if given the choice? Would it be easier to live without the depths of love you've experienced? Would it be worth the assurance of never having a broken heart?
I can't help but believe, despite the grief that shatters our hearts when we can no longer feel our loved ones' physical embrace, the price of pain is worth all the love they brought to our lives while they were loaned to us by God.
When all is said and done, and i close my eyes each night, i am thankful.
For i know, in spite of my pain, if given the choice, I wouldn't have missed the dance"

More than just the words of the book, one that made this gift extra special were the written post-it notes by my friend, Caths, who gave me this book. She read the book before giving it to me to better understand what we were going through. As she read it, she inserted inspiring notes in the book such as the ones below. This is definitely one of the most sincere gifts i have ever received.

"Fan, through your grief I've come to learn new things, new insights.  Today is your birthday,  I hope that somehow, you will find courage to make new memories."

"Fan, may the question in your heart be quieted (perhaps not by answers) but by love.  Even this grief will not separate you from His love."

For those times when you do not know what to say and how to comfort a loved one. I recommend this inspiring book.

Life may not always be fair. But God is good.

Job 12:22 "He floods the darkness with light; he brings light to the deepest gloom."

Read more...

Miracles Abound...

Yetserday i received an email from my sister-in-law of a video showing the life of a little baby girl that was born with a lot of congenital problems. I watched the video and my heart ached as i was reminded of what we went through with Tyler. But more than anything, what struck me most in the video was that the little baby in the NICU had an older brother.

You can watch the story of baby Kelsey Nicole Dinger here.

I remember after we lost Tyler, one of my very good friends asked me to join an online forum for moms who have lost their babies. I read a lot of similar stories but most of them had older children other than the one that was lost. I remember thinking it was surely more painful for us since Tyler was our first. Not only did we lose our son but we also lost the dream of becoming parents that year.

As i watched the video, i saw how the little boy looked so excited at the birth of his new sibling. I watched pictures of him watching the baby, probably wondering why there were so many tubes on his little sister's body.  I watched how he held her in his arms and how he smiled proudly that he is now a big brother. All i could think about was Troy and how excited he is with his new baby sister now.  My heart broke into a  million pieces as i was hoping (and maybe subconsciously praying) that the video would show a happy ending. It did. The little baby girl miraculously survived. Thank you, Lord!

Now i'm not so sure anymore if losing your first-born is indeed more painful. I thought about those moms in the forum who shared similar experiences.  I thought of how they will have to sit down and explain to their children that their baby brother/sister won't be coming home after all.  The idea of breaking your little child's heart is another difficult experience all  by itself.

This was an eye opener for me. It made me realize that each of us has our own story to tell.  We live our lives thinking other people have it better than us only to realize later on that the grass is indeed not always greener on the other side.

Trust God's plans. The parents of Kelsey experienced God's miracle when Kelsey lived and showed no signs of brain damage. God granted us His miracle when our sorrow was replaced with joy at the birth of our two very healthy children. God's plans are best. His timing is perfect.

Philippians 4:19 "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." (NLT)

Read more...