When God Says No

We are now on unprecedented times. With the continous threat of the Novel Coronavirus (Covid19), our country and several other nations have been on Enhanced Community Quarantine (ECQ) or lockdown.

The past month has bough us such a roller coaster of emotions. We’ve experienced tremendous joy and peace, but we have also experienced tears and heartaches.  With the uncertainties of this virus, and friends around us getting sick, all of us have been praying like we’ve never prayed before. And while we there are countless moments when God answers our prayers in accordance to what we prayed for, there are also moments when His answers are not exactly what we were actually hoping for.

So tonight, I am going to tell you a story.  A story of answered prayers and seemingly unanswered prayer.  Let me start this story at the very beginning. It was Wednesday of March 11 and Papa was scheduled to have a board meeting in Greenhills that night. During the day, there were already news of the Greenhills Shopping Centre closing early because some of the salespeople there tested positive for Covid19. Of course, we became a little concerned and tried to convince papa to move their meeting elsewhere. But you know, during that time, the news of this virus was still not as rampant as it is now. So the board decided to still push through with their meeting.

A day later, papa started having fever, then days later the fever went away but he started having cough. A week later, the cough persisted and papa started losing his appetite. And with that, he also started to become very weak. He was practically lying down and sleeping the whole day. We got concerned and mommy decided to bring him to the hospital for check-up. We found out that week that one of the other board member that papa met with on that Wednesday had already tested positive for Covid19. We prayed that papa will not have pneumonia and that he will be Covid19-free. But as you've probably guessed, Papa had pneumonia and he was tested positive for Covid19. 

Now this is the point where the story starts to turn for the better. We prayed for a room in the hospital to be available since we were initially told all the rooms were full. And God answered our prayers and made a room in Chinese General Hospital available for papa. We prayed that papa will regain his energy soon. And more, importantly, that his appetite will come back…and let me tell you, the morning when papa asked for pears and coffee, our family called each other to celebrate the good news! We praised God and celebrated little victories because we were so hungry for good news. And to cut the long story short, after 11 days in the hospital, papa was discharged and finally tested negative for Covid19.

Our family is overjoyed and are truly praising God every day. And you know, I can finish this story by telling you how grateful I am to the Lord for healing papa because I truly am. But there is also another side to this story that I want to share with all of you.

I want to tell you about the first night papa stayed in the hospital by himself. I know papa probably did not feel the gravity of what he was going through at that time. But for us, it was one of the most difficult nights of our lives. With the news constantly talking about the dangers of Covid19 especially for those age 60 and above, we were all very afraid, to say the least.  I was telling my family that I’ve never seen my husband, Dens, cry so much in my life. We could not eat without shedding a tear and we could not sleep through the night. We were just so scared with the knowledge that things can easily, and so suddenly, turn for the worse. 

The most difficult part was not being able to care for papa and just stay with him in the hospital. Knowing that papa was all by himself, fighting this virus, in the hospital room was heartbreaking for all of us. He was not even answering our messages because he felt so weak and just wanted to sleep all day.  So we had very little visibility and news about how he was doing. It was just a very difficult time for our family.

And while I wish I can tell you that all throughout papa’s journey with Covid19, I was steadfast in prayer and never lost hope, that was not really the case.  On that first night, I was filled with so much fear that I could not even open my Bible because I was afraid of what message I might read. And I know that this is because that night brought me back to a very similar situation our family went through 14 years ago. 

It felt too familiar to me and I was very scared. That night, with papa in the hospital, reminded me of the time our first born, Tyler, also fought for his life back in 2006. Like papa, Tyler was confined in the hospital by himself and we could not be with him since he was in the Neonatal ICU. I remember dreading every phone call from the doctor or nurses because I was almost sure they were just going to give us more bad news. And while I want to say that this is also the part of the story when things started to turn for the better, that was not the case.

Even with so much prayer, Tyler continued to deteriorate.  They found a problem with his heart and his brain suddenly stopped developing. Eventually, he started having breathing difficulty and had to be intubated. On the morning of December 7, after being in the NICU for two months, I remember getting a call form one of the nurses telling us that Tyler had accidentally pulled the tube out while he was playing and they cannot put it back in anymore. They asked us to rush to the hospital as he may only have a few hours to live. 

Now I will not share all the details on Tyler’s testimony as that will need more time. But I want to read an excerpt from a journal entry that I wrote in December 2006 which summarizes what we went through.

“When we got to the hospital, Tyler had very labored breathing. I can see that my son was really fighting to survive. That day, after waiting for 2 months, I finally got to carry Tyler for the first time. I cried so much as I knew it may be the first and the last time I’d get to cuddle my baby in my arms. I savored each and every second of it.

There was a brief moment while mommy was carrying Tyler that he stopped breathing. We saw his heart rate and oxygen level go down fast. We prayed and I kept on calling Tyler’s name. And after a few seconds, he started breathing again and we were just so relieved.  Before we knew it, the minutes turned into hours and it was already morning of December 8.  We were so happy. Tyler made it through the night.  

That day, Tyler became more stable. He didn’t seem as restless although his breathing was still labored. I wanted to just stay with Tyler the whole night but since we haven’t had any sleep the past 48 hours, papa and mommy advised that we should go home as we also needed to rest.  So we left the hospital very early in the morning of December 9.

At around 845am, we go a call from the nurse asking us to rush back to the hospital as Tyler’s oxygen level was going down really fast. The nurse called us up again after a few mins to check where we were. She was already crying and told me ‘sana maabutan nyo pa si baby’. Dens and I got to the hospital by 915am. We were already at the parking lot when the doctor called us up to say we were already too late. We ran to the nursery and the first time I saw Tyler, he looked like he was just sleeping. I kept on praying and asking God to give him back to us. I tried so hard to wake Tyler up. It was just so hard to accept. So on that December 9 morning, I carried Tyler once again in my arms. And this time I knew it was going to be the last time.”

Now the reason why I wanted to share this story is two-fold. I want to address two questions that I know a lot of us have had the past weeks.

(1) Why does God heal some people and not another?

The quick answer is - I really do not know. 

We have been celebrating and praising God for papa’s healing from Covid19. But you know, our family has also lost so many of our friends, some very very close to us, to this sickness the past weeks. It’s sometimes very easy for us to wonder why, after a lot of prayers, one person is healed and not another. 

And the reason why I shared our experience with Tyler is to let you know that as Christians - even if you are a pastor or a church leader - we are not exempted from trials.  But the big difference is that when you have God by your side, you are never going to walk through the darkness alone.

You know, all throughout the 2 months of Tyler’s life, I got a lot closer to God. I found myself excitedly reading the Bible and fervently praying to God.  So when Tyler joined the Lord, I had so many questions.  There were just so many people praying for Tyler’s complete healing.  Why didn’t the Lord answer? The day after God took Tyler home, I got to speak with one of our church leaders, Achi Mila, who shared with me that God had impressed upon her days before that Tyler will be healed on December 9.  And you know, that was the exact date that God took Tyler home.  Knowing that made me understand better. Now I know God did answer our prayers. Tyler is indeed completely healed in Heaven. Maybe not in the way we wanted, but God knows what is best for Tyler and our family. It is true that His ways are higher than ours.

I may not know the answer why some are healed and others are not - and it’s definitely going to be one of the questions I will ask God when I finally see him face to face one day. But this I know for sure - I know that God does not make mistakes. I may not yet fully understand His purpose for taking Tyler so soon - and perhaps I never truly will, but I will trust in God’s amazing and loving heart because I am confident that He knows what is best for me and my family.

While I wish I saw God’s miraculous healing upon Tyler – and I thought, oh that would have been such a wonderful testimony of God’s power.  But you know, what I witnessed instead was God’s miraculous provision of supernatural peace and strength upon dens and me to go on and live a joyful life. And I have been realizing every day, that our faith to God, despite of what happens in our lives, can be just a strong testimony of God's power and faithfulness to others.

Isaiah 40:31 “But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”

Now, the next reason I want to share my story is to answer this question. 

(2) How can we not let the disappointments of the past prevent us from trusting in God for the future? 

That first night when papa was in the hospital, I told Dens that I felt so scared. I told him that this felt too much like what we went through when Tyler was in the hospital. I was so afraid that this is going to be a repeat of what we went through.

I did not sleep and kept on praying and praying and praying all night. I asked God for supernatural peace. I also bravely asked Him for a word.  And so he gave me one. The word that God whispered to my heart that night was “Surrender”. I was reminded of Mary, mother of Jesus’, response when she felt fearful after finding out she was pregnant with the Son of God, she said in Luke 1:38 “‘I am the Lord’s servant, and I am willing to accept whatever God wants for my life”

So at that point - which was probably around 3 or 4 in the morning. I just decided to surrender everything to God. I remember praying “Lord, we cannot fight this virus. Even the doctors are puzzled at how to best treat this. Only you can kill this virus. And I know that as much as I love papa, you love Him even more. And I completely surrender papa into your hands.”  And surrendering to God does not mean giving up on prayer. It simply means not letting fear control my thoughts and putting my full trust on a powerful and loving God.

After that, I opened my devotion and God spoke to me again. It read:

“Sometimes, our past disappointments can easily make us expect the absolute worst for tomorrow. I’m challenging myself not to mentally run too far into an unknown future. I just have to make the most responsible decisions I can for today and place the rest in God’s hands. My job is to obey God. God’s job is everything else. Therefore, I can feel afraid, but I don't have to live afraid.”

But you know, just when peace is starting to fill your heart, the enemy can steal it and fill you with panic all over again. I started remembering how we lost Tyler and fear started to creep in. Then God reminded me to evaluate and look at my life now 14 years later.  I was suddenly overwhelmed with God’s love and faithfulness.  I realized that God’s presence has never left our family all those year and there is nothing to fear. That night, before I was finally able to sleep, I looked at my two sleeping children and thought ‘how can we not trust God to do what is best for us?’ He sent His son to die on the cross for our sins, what more can he not do for us? We may not always get what we’re praying for and perhaps we may not truly understand why. But He is a God who restores. He restores joy and He restores peace. And know this. What may seem like an unanswered prayer only means that God has a better answer for you.

You know, we are now living in this world where concerns of pandemic and loss of precious lives have been a daily battle cry. When we feel such panic, pain and suffering, all of which are out of our control, it’s really very easy to let fear take over.

But let’s remember God’s message to us in Psalm 64:10 - and this is my favorite verse - it says “Be still and know that I am God”

And I will close with this statement from one of my favorite authors, Mark Batterson.   “I do not know what we are going to do, but I do know what we are NOT going to do. We are NOT going to be afraid. We are going to stand still. And we are going to see the deliverance of the Lord”

Note: This testimony was shared during an FB LIVE online prayer meeting on April 23, 2020. If you wish to see the video, you may click on this YouTube link. For the complete FB LIVE prayer time, please visit HCF Manila. You can also read back on Tyler's story in this blog. You may email me at densfan@gmail.com should you wish to get in touch with me.