Losing Tyler

It was a Saturday morning, exactly 10 years ago, when I picked up that dreadful phone call.

 
For those of you whom my husband and I have only met recently, you may not know that we once had a baby boy named Tyler.  We lost him when he was only two months old due to a congenital problem that affected his heart and brain development.

To say that the months following Tyler's death was difficult would be an understatement.  He was our first child, the first nephew of my sisters, and the first grandchild of my parents.  While losing Tyler meant grieving the loss of our son, to me it also meant losing my chance to finally call myself a mother. 
 

Immediately after losing Tyler, we went to see the doctor to check if I was healthy enough for another pregnancy. After some tests, we were told that it may be difficult for me to conceive naturally due to my polycystic ovaries.  But I knew that my God is greater than any medical limitation.  So we trusted in Him and waited for his perfect time.

Throughout the months after God took Tyler home, I found solace in God’s word. I read it like I’ve never read the Bible before. I was reminded of verses that I have read over and over as a child. They suddenly became anchors for me to be still at a time when my heart felt very confused.  Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future” – this verse was not new to me but it was a promise that I held on and claimed repeatedly as I prayed to the Lord.

I decided to surround myself with God's word.

Literally! 

I would write down countless verses that spoke to me on yellow post-it notes and stick them on the wall above our bed. Verses such as Philippians 4:6-7 which reminds me not to be anxious about anything.  But by prayer with thanksgiving, I just had to present my requests that God. And He promised to give me peace that transcends all  understanding.  I would read each of them before I slept and then again as soon as I woke up.  They were a constant reminder that regardless of the season we were in, our Savior is a good good father.

God’s word powered me through life and his promises unfolded one by one.  On that beautiful morning in March of 2008, I once again held a tiny baby boy in my arms. This time, a very healthy and normal baby. We named him Troy.  The Lord fulfilled Jeremiah 29:11 that day.  I saw hope and the beautiful future he had planned out for us in the eyes of our child.

And contrary to expectations, I was not afraid all throughout the pregnancy. It was supernatural how I was not anxious. It was supernatural how I was not worried that our baby would have the same condition as Tyler. I was overjoyed with His blessing. And I was at peace. It was the kind of peace described through Philippians 4:7. It indeed transcended all understanding. Again, another promise unfolded.

God's word is always true. He may not have healed Tyler physically, but He healed our hearts.  I have shared this before and I want to share it again. My mom would constantly remind me of God's promise through Psalm 30:5 after Tyler's passing. "Weeping may last for a night, but His joy comes in the morning".  And indeed, another joy came to us one early morning in 2011. We named her Dawn.

It has been almost 10 years since I was told that motherhood seemed loss for me. But God’s promises prevailed. Every morning I wake up and I see two little miracles sleeping beside me.  They will always be a reminder of how much God loves me. They are a testament of God’s power and love. His word is always true. His promises will always be fulfilled.

Whatever season you are in right now, I encourage you to go to His word.  Find the peace that only He can give.  Claim His promises. And watch your beautiful future unfold.

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The Fun Thing About Swimming

One Sunday in August, we brought the kids out for a swim somewhere down south. Since I do not like to bother myself with having to shower all over again, I decided early on that I would not swim. Dens brought his swim gear just in case but was also pretty much undecided. The kids, of course, were ready with their suits and pool paraphernalia.

 

When we got to the pool, the kids changed and asked why Dens and I were not changing. I told them I did not bring my swimsuit anymore since I was not really planning to swim. Dens, on the other hand, said he will just rest for a while.

 

So I brought the kids to the pool.  I sat and watched the two of them swim and play with their pool toys. They looked like they were enjoying themselves the whole time. After about twenty minutes, my 8-year old son came up and asked me to check on their dad.

 

Troy: "Mom, can you see if Papa is already done resting?"

 

Mom: "I think he's not planning to swim anymore. Maybe he just wants to rest."

 

Troy: "But I really want papa to swim with us"

 

Mom: "It's okay, Troy. You and Dawn are having fun naman"

 

Troy: "We were just playing our toys so that we won't get bored while waiting for Papa. The fun thing about swimming is being with you, Papa and Dawnie."

 

My heart broke a little when I heard that.  I almost wanted to jump in the pool in my sundress. Needless to say, Dens immediately joined them in the pool.

 

I realized then that being around them does not necessarily mean spending time with them. We need to engage with them and do things that they love.

 

Since then, my husband and I have intentionally spent more "active" time with the kids. Dens has learned to dress up a Barbie doll and I am still trying my very best to learn how Minecraft works.

 

Being a parent involves a lot of intentional hard work.  We must not allow the time to pass and then realize one day that our kids have grown up too fast. Let's make sure we engage with our kids and not just 'be present' for them.  Just being in the same room with the kids does not count.  Learn what your children love and do those things with them. It's time to pick up the [Lego] pieces and build memories with them. Yep, pun intended.

 

 

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How the Tornado Strengthened My Son's Faith

Contrary to my recent post about ordinary weekends, last weekend was anything BUT ordinary. 
 

My husband and I were on our way home when my 8-year old son called my husband's mobile phone.  His opening line was "Mom! So grabe what happened to us!" I was not alarmed. At least not yet. I just asked "Why? what happened to you?"   Then he said "Well, I was playing Wii in the room and the TV suddenly shut down. I went out of the room and checked the big window [from our hall].  Then I saw a tornado coming towards our house!"  I was a little concerned but I thought 'it could not have been a tornado!' So I prodded further and asked "Who were you with and what did you do?" Then he said "I was with Dawn (my 5-year old daughter) and we called Yaya". Then the three of us hid behind the door of your room because the roof of the basketball court behind us was already flying into the tornado." Okay. That got my attention. And it made me want to be home with my children as fast as I can.

To my knowledge, it is the first time a tornado in this scale has ever hit Manila. Seeing the uprooted trees and fallen posts outside our house was surreal. I could not believe this happened in our city. Floods are frequent and we even prepare ourselves for possible earthquakes. But a tornado is not in the list of natural disasters that we worry about in Manila. The videos that were recorded look like clips from a movie. It was unbelievable.

The tornado has definitely hit Manila big time. But in our own little world, the big tornado was also a big God encounter for our little boy.  You see, a few nights ago while we were having our family Bible study, Troy told us that sometimes he wonders whether God is indeed real. He said it's not always easy for him to believe because he cannot see God. Dennis and I assured him that we understood his concerns. We explained that this is where faith comes in. We told him how answered prayers are God's ways of showing us that He is real. Our son did not look convinced but he said okay. Then we prayed together and Troy prayed that God will help him believe. It's an ironic prayer but isn't that the same prayer uttered by the father of the little sick boy in the book of Mark? "Lord, help me overcome my unbelief"

Then last weekend's tornado happened. That same night, as we were about to sleep, we stayed in bed talking about the tornado. Dawn said "It's the worst day ever!". Then Troy said "You know, Dawn, it's the worst day ever but it's also the happiest day ever!". So I asked him why he said that. He said "Because, mom, Dawn and I could have been hurt by the tornado but we weren't. That makes this the happiest day ever, right?" And I said "You're actually right! Okay, so let's just call this the happiest day ever then".  Then he said "You know, when I saw the tornado coming towards our house. I was thinking the glass in our window will not be strong enough to protect us. But I was not so afraid. I felt that God was like a force field there protecting us."  And right there and then, my son encountered our God, His protector.
 

That night, the tornado cut through the power lines so we did not have electricity. When we got home, my daughter asked if we can pray for the electricity to be restored.  In our prayer, my son said "Lord, please please restore our electricity even while we are praying". I had to do a double prayer to ask God to please please answer his prayer so that he won't be disappointed. But our prayer concluded and the electricity did not come back.

Before we slept, my son prayed his usual bedtime prayer. He thanked God for protecting our family and prayed that nobody got hurt. Then, to my surprise, he thanked God for restoring the electricity.  After he prayed, I asked why he thanked God for restoring the electricity when it clearly hasn't happened yet. Then he said "It's okay. I know God heard us and He will bring back the electricity later". I hugged and kissed him. And tears filled my eyes. I knew God has awakened the faith of our little boy.

 

The tornado last weekend may have uprooted our trees, destroyed our roof, and cut off our electricity. But we will not allow it to destroy our faith. As Genesis 50:20 says "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

Amen. Thank you, Lord

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Random Thoughts on My Son's Eight Birthday

Troy turned eight yesterday. As I was having breakfast, I thought about the day he was born. I was reminded of his beautiful loud cry in that operating room and the congratulations from visitors that were not present during my first delivery.  It brought me back to the many nights I stayed awake wondering whether I will ever get pregnant again, or those days when I would allow myself to think about the empty crib in the beautifully decorated baby's room and wonder whether we would ever use them. Then I saw a photo of my now eight-year old boy. Then I cried.

 

From the time you decide you want to have a baby to the time the healthy baby finally arrives, Motherhood is never easy. Somewhere in between, there's always a story to tell. Whether it's about the fear of infertility, going through miscarriages, or perhaps experiencing infant loss, a lot of us have walked that path. The threat of unfulfilled dreams is, a lot of times, the hardest to accept.

 

The past 10 years has been quite a journey. There were those difficult days in 2006 when I just wanted to sleep all day until I wake up from a seemingly bad dream. Then there are happy days in 2016 when all I want to do is to enjoy all 24 precious hours with my children.  This is where 10 years has brought our family. I look at my children now and I am reminded of how much God has been with us through the years. He did not allow me to stay in that black hole I have placed myself in ten years ago. And the miracle in all of this is that all I needed to do was to simply trust in Him.

 

Whatever stage you are in right now, do know this. Pray and trust in Him even when facts tell us otherwise. Trust in His good plans for your life.  Because I tell you, once you decide to surrender your worries to God, you will experience the joy of living that abundant life that He has always intended for you.   

 

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 

 

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Mustela Did it Again!

I have been a fan of Mustela since 2011.  I first heard about the brand when my good friend Tammy Tancinco told me about a product they were bringing to the Philipines while I was still pregnant with Dawn.  I don't remember being that excited about the product at that time. You see, I have not yet experienced the magic of Mustela then.  It was just another baby brand to me.
 

Fast forward to 2015 and I am now a big believer. It has helped Dawn with her eczema-prone skin (read about it here) and I am happy to report that Dawn has been eczema-free since then. We have already moved from the Stelatopia line, which is best for eczema, to the regular Mustela Bebe line when Dawn turned one. Last month, we were re-introduced to our much loved Stelatopia.  Let me tell you why. 

 

After our recent trip to Hawaii, Troy has been complaining that his skin has been very itchy. I figured that this was due to severe dry skin. Aside from being under the sun for long periods of time during our trip, Troy also loves taking showers multiple times a day. He takes after his father and cannot sleep without taking a bath. He showers at least twice on a regular day.  While it's nice that he's always clean, it has taken a toll on his skin. We've tried regular lotions but none worked for him. Then I remembered Stelatopia. And that was how Stelatopia was re-introduced to our family.  I am happy to report that Troy has been itch-free immediately a day after showering with the Stelatopia Cleansing Cream.  He has also been using the Emollient Cream as his lotion on a daily basis. Yes, Mustela, you did it again!

 

Our family has been a fan of Mustela ever since. You can read about our experiences in previous posts here, here and here .

 

Note: I have noticed that I have written so many posts on Mustela through the years. Please note that these are not sponsored posts nor am I a paid endorser. I just really love how effective the products are and want to share the same with all of you!

 

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What Does It Mean to Forgive Someone?

So the other day I was having one of those insightful one-on-one conversations with my 7-year old about life. He was telling me about a story he read in his children's bible on forgiveness. Then I asked him "Do you know what it means to forgive someone?".  The question sounded basic enough.  But after asking him, i started wondering how a 7-year old would explain the concept of forgiveness. I was thinking he will probably say 'washing away of our sins' or something in those lines. But Troy's answer surprised me. He said:

"Forgiveness means you are giving the person another chance" 

 

That made me think. Troy is right. Forgiveness is really about second chances. Sometimes we wonder how many chances we get with the Lord when we keep on making the same wrong decisions in life. Will i get another chance? Well, here's the good news.

Psalm 103:12 "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he [forgave] removed our transgressions from us"

 

From the east to the west. That's the largest measure we can ever fathom on earth. That's how great God's forgiveness is upon us. And following Troy's thought, we can confidently say that He is not only a God of second chances.  He gives us multiple chances to repent and do right by Him. Not to say we can abuse this allowance, and am sure people who genuinely love the Lord will never do that, but accept the grace and mercy that God has freely given to us.  And in the same way, we can also extend the same grace to others. 

Think about it. Pay it forward. Who needs another chance from you today?

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The Real Joy of Our Children

So last weekend we found ourselves in Oslob, Cebu on another family trip. We did a host of amazing things with the kids from swimming with the whalesharks to taking a dip under the breathtaking Tumalog falls.  But amidst all those fun things, one event stood out for Troy. Shopping and spending time with me.

On our last day in Cebu, we visited a mall which was right across our hotel. Everyone had their own mission so we decided to split up. Troy decided to go with me since both of us did not have any agenda.  We just walked aimlessly around the mall.  To me, it was not an extraordinary experience as I just shopped like i normally would.  Once in a while, I would ask for Troy's opinion on some products that i liked and he would ask me the same on things that he saw. We walked around chatting and laughing like good friends. As we were heading back to the hotel, Troy was smiling from ear to ear and he suddenly said "You know mom, you're not my normal mommy today". I did not know what he meant so i prodded. He further explained that i was so happy and so much fun to be with that day.  Eeps! That compliment stung a little.  We talked about it some more and i understood his heart.

I have been thinking about what Troy said ever since he said it last Sunday.  I reflected on the many times that we enjoyed things together.  How did that short shopping trip have such an impact on him?  Then I realized that I was a friend to him that day. I was not the parent who had to say "Look only but we're not buying, okay?" when he wanted to look at toys. I realized that I did not treat him like a child when i spoke to him about the things that I bought.  After one of my purchases, i even told him "I'm so happy i am finally able to buy this! I have wanted this for so long!" I did not realize it then but now that i think about it, i realize that it's something i would probably say to Dens but not really to my children.

While our kids need us to guide them since we are their parents, they also need us to be their friend. Time spent with them does not automatically make it 'Quality Time' even if we're doing things that they enjoy. Laugh with them and be silly together. Last night i played Wii with Troy and we had the time of our lives laughing at each other's wrong moves.  I did not try to make it into a teachable moment but simply had fun with him as i normally would with my friends.  I hope that i can consistently be the 'not normal mommy' for Troy.  Someone he would love to always spend time with even when we're not doing anything exciting.  And one day when he is all grown up and still loves spending time with me, that would be such an awesome reward.

 

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Falling In Love

"I am so in love with my daughter!" he said with wonder in his eyes. "And i'm not saying i love her, Tiff. I'm saying i am IN LOVE with her!"

This was about 9 years ago.  A year before i became a mom.  I vividly remember how we were walking along the streets of Makati when he said this to me out of the blue. Just to give you a better picture, this is my Singaporean friend.  He is a 30 something fitness buff who is an expert in calculating financial risks. Imagine a guy who soars in the financial world exclaiming how 'in love' he is with his then 6-year old daughter in the middle of nowhere. I remember looking at him and wondering what exactly he's saying.  How different is it to love your child and be 'in love' with her?  I remember telling him 'Maybe i'll understand you better when i become a mom'.  Later that year, i became pregnant.

My kids are now 6 and 3 (if you're doing the math and wondering where the 2 years went since i got pregnant 9 years ago, you need to read THIS).  Every night before we sleep, i would look at my two children and my heart will swell with so much love.  So much love that i can physically feel it.  Do you remember that feeling?  The kind of love that gives you butterflies in the stomach. The kind of love that makes you smile on a stressful day.  The kind of love that makes you want rush home and spend each precious hour with them. The kind of love that keeps you up late at night imagining what your future holds.  Isn't that how it feels each time we fall in love?

The thought uttered 9 years ago that sounded so foreign to me, resonates with my heart now.  Yes, i am so in love with my children. Now i understand how loving your children and being in-love with them sounds like the same thing but feels completely different.  The journey of parenthood introduces us to these totally unexpected emotions and continues to reveal new sides of ourselves that we have not known before.

Today i am putting this thought out there so that when my kids are old enough to surf through the net, they will know.  That even on my really bad days, i only have to think of them and joy fills my heart. And I am in love all over again.

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Growing Up with Integrity

The past months have been a roller coaster ride for me on the parenting front. There were good days and not-so-good days. Our son is six and is growing up to be a fine young man.  But of course, as with most kids, he is a work-in-progress.  He may be more outspoken than i hope at times, or more active than my feet can take. But one thing i am noticing more and more is that he is growing up with a strong sense of integrity. 

Troy loves to play soccer. Give him a ball and he will run with it and practice his high-kicks wherever he is.  But last week he has been down with the flu so i told him not to play soccer during lunch breaks to avoid dehydration.  Yesterday when he came home from school, he asked me if he can already go back to playing soccer during lunch. I said as much as possible it's best that he doesn't because i don't want him to get sick again. He explained how his friends played that day and that he was not able join them because i asked him not to.  I felt bad for him but was also very proud that he kept his word. He asked me if he can already play the next day and i just replied with 'We'll see tomorrow'.   

Today at around 12:30pm, we got a call from the school. Troy wasn't sure if he was already allowed to play soccer so he went to the school's admin office to borrow the phone and ask for our permission.  My heart swelled with pride at his honesty. He could have just gone ahead to play soccer and we won't have a way of knowing it.  But he knew he kept a promise with us and he wanted to do the right thing. My cousin recently shared something on Facebook that says 'Your true character comes out when nobody is watching' - and that's true. That's where integrity comes in.

Our children are indeed a work-in-progress. But who isn't, right? I'm in my thirties and i know the Lord is still molding me to be the kind of person He wants me to be.  What is important is that we, as parents, instill good moral values in them that will bring them a step towards being a better person.  Even as a parent, i am still a work-in-progress. Each day i learn something new. I've learned a lot of parenting tricks and techniques through the past years, but one thing i know is that my greatest coach is Jesus Christ. He is and will always be our best resource in bringing our children up.

And in case you're wondering, we did allow Troy to play soccer today.  He kept his word and i think that deserves a reward.

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Forced Independence

About two weeks ago, I flew to Thailand for a vacation with the two kids sans Dens. It was a planned family vacation but more urgent things came up and Dens had to stay behind.

Now if you've been following our family's journey through this blog, you would know that Troy is now 6 years old and Dawn is 3. Both of my kids can be quite spirited when excited and especially when they're with each other. I was quite anxious about the trip, unsure whether i can truly handle them on my own.  So i spoke with Troy two days prior to our departure.  I explained how Dens cannot join us to the trip anymore.  Given that Troy is very close to Dens, i was prepared to hear some "I don't want to go if papa is not going" speech. But what he said caught me by surprise. He answered "Oh, that's okay, mom. I'll just be the Papa in Thailand and help you take care of Dawn"  Oh wow, i was taken aback. I didn't know how to answer that so i just hugged him and thanked him for being such a good boy. Truth is, sure i was touched, but i was honestly not confident that he would live up to his promise. Two days later, Troy proved me wrong.

We woke up at 5:30 in the morning in time for our 9am flight. Troy was instantly cooperative, getting dressed by himself (he never did this before). When we got to the airport, he offered to push Dawn's stroller so that i can take care of the luggage. He helped entertain Dawn and helped her put both their backpacks on the X-ray machine for checking. Troy amazed me. He asked me to call him 'Little Papa' during the trip. He did not forget.  When we got to Thailand, he decided he was big enough to take a bath by himself.  He even helped me convince Dawn to eat when she's not in the mood. Sure he was still playful a lot of times and needed me to remind him that he's the little papa. He's not perfect. I'm not either.  But what a transformation. When we came back from the trip, Dens also noticed his new confidence and sense of independence.

Our kids are more prepared to be independent that we give them credit for. More often that not, if the situation calls for it (i.e. no choice), then that's when you will see them rise to the challenge. A lot of  my friends told me that their kids learned to be independent when they lost the yaya...some when they migrated abroad. I guess the bottom line is that we, as parents, must stop treating them as babies. Treat them like grown-ups and that's what they will be.

Here's to my little 6-year old hero. One day you will read this post and i'd like you to know how proud i am of you! I love you more than you will ever know.

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What's Your Bedtime Routine?

My husband, Dennis, and i are very active in our church.  We host 2 bible studies every other week at home and attend prayer meetings every Wednesday.  There are some nights when the 2 bible studies will happen on the same week which will leave us only 4 out of 7 nights with the kids minus ad hoc dinner with friends and 1 date night.

Every day when i get home from work, my kids will always ask me 'Mom, do you and papa have bible study tonight?'  This is usually followed by sad "awwww's" when we say Yes or happy "yaaaay's" when we say No.  This made me rethink the impression we are building on our  kids about time with God. I realized that as much as we are modeling good Christian habits to them, "Bible Studies" have now become the enemy that is taking their parents' time away from them.

At the start of this year, Dens and i decided that the best way for them to appreciate Bible Studies is to have one themselves. And since we firmly believe that we should  never depend on others to build good values on our children, we decided to host our 3rd Bible Study at home.  This time, with our children.

My Son turned 6 just a couple of  months ago and my daughter is only 3. I wondered how we can make Bible Studies fun and interesting for them. So we started with this simple format:

Opening Prayer 

(we rotate on who will do the opening prayer)

Glad & Sad Time

(talking about things that made you happy and sad today)

Bible Story 

(Dens is always the one telling the story but Troy has recently taken on the responsibility on some nights)

Closing Prayer

(we sit around and each person gets to pray)

The kids loved it so much that we have now made our supposedly weekly bible studies into an almost nightly ritual. We do Bible studies with them every night before going to bed. Sometimes we do 'Guessing Game' instead of Glad & Sad where we guess each person's favorites. I found it to also be a fun way of getting to know our children more (and vice versa).  We have now even incorporated film showing where we watch a 5 to 10-minute video of the Bible story that we learned that night. I usually just search for the cartoon on YouTube and we'd watch it together before praying.  Having this bedtime routine has been very rewarding for our family. When i get home these days, my  kids have changed their question to 'Can we have Bible study tonight?'  

Consciously striking a good balance of our time between church and the kids has effectively given them a fun concept of learning the Bible.  I may sometimes need to rearrange our schedule to avoid having too  many church events in a week.  And i know that's all right. After all, our children's spiritual growth is our ministry too.

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A 5-Letter Word of Healing

Okay, so what is a 5-letter word that is easy to pronounce but could be so hard to say?  


Image Source

I was driving my son to school one morning (okay, hold on. It was the driver who was driving but it sounded more dramatic that way...), when my 5-year old asked me. "Mom, what will God do to us when we do something wrong?" This question probably stemmed from a recent Bible story that i shared with him about The 10 Plagues of Egypt. So i told him "Well, there are consequences to our sins but God is always ready to forgive us" Then he asked "What should we do so that God will forgive us?" to which i replied "We should just say Sorry to Him. Do you think that's hard to do?" He gave it a little thought and said "Not really. It's just a word, Mom". 

I laughed at his answer but found a lot of truth in it. When it's really just a word, how come so many people find it so hard to say sorry?

One character in the Bible that i am always so interested to learn more about is David. After all of his faults, why did God still regard him to be a man after God's own heart? (Acts 13:22  God testified concerning him: ‘I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.')  One revelation to me is how David always acknowledges his sins before God. God never required that we are all 100% perfect but He sees our hearts. He knows when we are sincere in our repentance towards Him.

The main reason why most of us find is so hard to apologize is another 5-letter word: PRIDE. We often allow pride to reign in our hearts and feel that saying sorry makes us less of a person.  It's still not easy but i am starting this new attitude with my family and close circle of influence.  I now remember to apologize to my husband when I know i've offended him, I say sorry to my children on days when i lose my temper and talk to them louder than i should (or in my son's words 'not properly'), and I always pray that God will allow me to be more sensitive each time i unconcsciouly (or even consciously) hurt others with my words and actions.

So when the need comes up again for us to apologize, i want you to think about this. Is your pride more importang than saving that relationship? Is your pride more important than obeying and pleasing the Lord?  Pray that God will grant you courage to say that simple 5-letter word sincerely. How difficult should it be anyway? After all, it's just a word.

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The First Time I Met My Children

Do you still remember the first time you  met your children? I do. It was very different for all three of them. I'd like to share my story with you.

I still vividly remember the first time I was about to meet Tyler. I was filled with anxieties since i was already told that he had paralysis on the left side of his face. Fears of not being able to accept his deficiencies troubled me as i slowly entered the NICU. The moment i laid my eyes on him, i thought to myself "He's perfect". I felt that he was the most beautiful baby i have ever seen. After that initial impression, thoughts of his condition started to sink in. And i broke down in that NICU. It was the day we were checking out of the hospital. I cried all the way home wondering how many days his crib will remain empty.  I knew nothing then of what lied ahead of us in the coming months.

My pregnancy with Troy was the most joyful one. I had very little morning sickness and i was happy most of the time. We prayed for a little boy.  More than the blue-decorated nursery in our house, I knew that since we lost Tyler, there is that longing in my heart to be a mother to a healthy baby boy. God saw my heart and answered our prayers. I felt very connected with Troy during my pregnancy. I would talk to him and read stories to him. I already 'knew' him even before he was born. Then March 7 came and i gave birth to Troy. Dens wheeled me to the nursery, 24 hours post surgery, to breastfeed Troy.  I was about to meet him for the first time (save for those few glimpses that i had in the operating room).  I excitedly waited in the breastfeeding room for him. It felt like meeting Dens again for the first time after over a month of talking daily over the phone (but that's another story). I wondered how he looked like and how he would react to me. Then the nurse came in with Troy.  He was bundled in a light blue blanket and was handed over to me. I carried him and looked at him. My first thought was 'Oh wow, he's so beautiful.' I also remember thinking how he amazingly looks so much like Tyler.  I kept looking at him and cannot seem to fathom that this perfect little baby that i am carrying is my own.  Then i started to struggle with the concept of motherhood. What was i supposed to say to him now?  What do i do with him?  It was a concept i cannot seem to  immediately grasp. I felt disconnected somehow. It did truly feel like the first time i met Dens in person. There was a brief moment of awkwardness even though we were already so close over the phone. But just like that, the awkward feeling immediately went away. Tears started to form as i  continued to look at this baby who also stared back at me. He is so healthy. He is my child.  I held him tighter and i felt my heart swell with so much love and pride. I was filled with gratitude for this gift of life. I was officially a mom again.

Dawn came three years later.  During my pregnancy, I often felt tired and i hardly had the chance to read stories to Dawn. I was also busy doing my online shopping for girls' clothes and conducting surveys for girls' names more than anything. I was just excited to have a girl added to our small family.  The day after I gave birth to Dawn was the first time I was to meet her in person. I found myself waiting excitedly in that same breastfeeding room once again. I looked around the room and saw the familiar breastfeeding pumps and storage bags. They did not feel foreign anymore. I felt more at ease. Then the nurse came in with this tiny baby wrapped in a baby pink blanket.  And it felt different the this time. Even though i did not feel any connection during pregnancy, i somehow immediately felt drawn to her the moment i laid my eyes on her.  One look at her and i knew she was my child. My first thought was "She's so pretty!" I couldn't believe a baby can already look gender-specific. She truly looked like a girl.  I looked at her and i felt complete. She was another answer to my prayers. Another prophecy fulfilled. I was just amazed.

Meeting our children for the first time can come in different forms. Some of you may feel that instant connection like i did with Dawn, while others may also struggle with the idea of mothering a child like i did with Troy. Regardless of how your first meeting will become, one thing is certain.  It will all lead to this feeling of pure and unconditional love.  A love so fierce that overwhelms you.  And from that moment on,  you will stay in love forever. 



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No Moving Targets

It was a fine summer day.  Troy carefully wore his goggles and excitedly shouted “Mom, I’ll swim to you!” I happily obliged and moved farther. Then he said “Not so far, Mom!” So I moved closer to him and said “Okay, this is good. Now swim to me!” As Troy started swimming, I saw how good he is after two summers of swimming lessons. So I started to inch myself farther and then some. He eventually caught me.  When he looked up, he said “Mom, you moved!” Eeps. Yes, I did.

My friend Candy recently shared an article from the Straits Times entitled Giving Bright Kids a Head Start.  The article talked about a successful mom from Singapore, Pamela Lim, who raised five very successful children.  She shared a lot of interesting insights on parenting but one of her statements caught my attention.  She said [on homework] "No moving targets.  If they finish the agreed pages, I don't push them to do just a little bit more. Trust is hard to earn back once it's lost."  It was an eye opener for me.  Sometimes we tend to push our kids to do more when we feel they are capable.  Though our intention is to help them excel further, it may sometimes be counter-productive.  When we have already set goals for them, we should not change the goals as they progress. Very much like my swimming story, it does not always build confidence. And more often than not, it simply destroys trust.

Don't we often do the same in a lot of our daily activites? During mealtime, we often see parents say "Last 2 spoonfulls then you're done!". But when the last spoon goes in, the parent would sometimes go further by saying "Konti nalang! How about one super last one?"  We try to push their limits. We make our targets move.  

Isn't building trust more important than that one last spoonfull or those few inches further in the swimming pool? From today onwards, I will do my best to fix my targets.  No more moving targets in our family. Our children's trust in us is far more important.

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The Promise of Joy

Psalm 30:5 "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning"

I love that verse. For the darkest two months in my life back in 2006, i remember wondering if i will ever be happy again. I wasn't being melodramatic but that was truly the dread that i felt during those months. For those of us who have gone through severe grief, i am sure you know what i'm talking about. It's very hard to imagine being happy when you're extremely sad.

I dreaded going back to our house with the empty crib and unused clothes. I stayed away from children's parties and toy stores months after Tyler's passing. My heart broke silently as we celebrated with my family and friends on the arrival of their healthy babies. That was really a difficult time.

Then my mom shared Psalm 30:5 to me. That was my comfort and i held on to God's promise of joy each time fear and depression started to creep its way into my heart.  Twenty-two months after that sad December morning, our promise of joy came true. God blessed us with a very healthy baby boy.

Troy is now 5 years old and each time i see him, i am reminded of God's faithfulness in our lives. He is true to His promise and He will never fail us.

Some of you may be going through a difficult time right now. Some may be minor bumps on the road while others may be grave. Either way, rest assured that God is in control so long as you trust in Him. As sure as the morning comes after the night, His promise of joy will come after the sorrow.

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you"

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Our Experience with Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease (HFMD)

I am writing this post to spread the word about the recent epidemic of the Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease (HFMD).

The thing with this viral illness is that most people do not even know they have it and continue to expose themselves to others. This causes a silent outbreak and spread of the virus. Though this disease is more common in infants and children, it is also possible for adults to acquire it.

photo from Wikipedia

A few weeks ago, my 2-year old daughter developed a fever that ran for two days. On the 2nd day of her fever, i noticed that she started to develop some red rash around her mouth. I initially thought this was just some sort of allergy.  I suspected that maybe her mouth was not wiped clean after her meals which could have caused the rash. I later on noticed that the rash looked like chicken pox sores. It sort of had blisters and she kept on scratching them so i knew they were a little bit itchy. She also started complaining of 'ouchy' inside her mouth on the same day. When i checked, i saw that she had one sore on her palate. This caused her to cry each time she was fed solid food.

On the 3rd day, she did not have fever anymore and was pretty active the entire day. The mouth sores were still there but it was not affecting her anymore. The only remarkable thing was that she would become very restless at night. She kept on waking up asking for water or milk and would cry each time she drank. 

I then remembered that a couple of my friends mentioned their kids having Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease

Dawn's hand

 (HFMD) last year. They said it was like chicken pox but isolated on the hands, feet, and mouth. They also mentioned about the kids getting fever for a short time prior to the rash.  I checked Dawn's hands and feet as soon as i suspected HFMD. And true enough, she had one red spot on her right hand. 

 

I looked it up on the internet and found that HFMD is indeed very common and also very contagious.  Incubation was said to be around 3-5 days from the time of exposure. Since i didn't know what Dawn had at the time of her fever, my entire family had already been exposed to her for a few days.

On the 4th day, my 5-year old son developed a fever. He then complained of sore throat and would also wake up crying in the middle of the night. He didn't have sores around his mouth nor spots on his hand and feet. It was just severe sore throat and high fever that lasted for 2 days. 



photo from Wikipedia

On the 5th day, my daughter's mouth sores dried up. My son said his throat felt a lot better and both of them didn't have fever anymore. The thing is, since i was the one taking care of both of them, i lacked sleep and my immune system was down. They say that HFMD usually only affects children but adults with weakened immune systems can also get infected easily. So, when my children started to get better, i started to feel worse. I developed high fever and severe sore throat. I couldn't eat anything except soup and porridge. I tried taking in some cereals but it only hurt my throat even more.  Later that day, i noticed sores on both my feet. I could hardly walk without experiencing pain. It felt like hundreds of pins and needles were on my feet. There were also little red spots on my hands and they felt very sensitive each time i try to close them to a fist. My fever only lasted a day but the sore throat and pain on my hands and feet lasted for about 5 days.



When i spoke with our pediatrician about this, she said that there is really an outbreak of HFMD now.  I can imagine why it would be an outbreak because (1) there is no vaccine for this virus yet, and (2) people are unaware of this disease. Sometimes we think it's the usual sore throat or rash and we continue to go on with our daily lives. Little do we know, we are already exposing other people to the virus.  It is important to note that even if it's called Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease, the rash or pain does not always happen on all 3 areas. It can be isolated to just one area like in the case of my son who only had sore throat, or 2 areas like my daughter who only had mouth sores and rash on her hand.

Here are some things that i learned from our experience:

1. Ice is a soother! When the kids were crying from sores in the mouth or throat, i gave them ice. That relieved them of the pain somehow. I also made a lot of ice candies for them so that it's more fun to eat.  This also helps to keep them hydrated since my children found it painful to drink drink water on the first two days. Dens bought them jelly-ace for their snacks since they couldn't swallow biscuits or other hard snacks.

2.  Rest is gold.  Let them sleep as often as they can even during the day. We encouraged our 2 kids to keep sleeping and i feel that it has contributed to their faster recovery. 

3.  Isolate right away when you suspect HFMD. It's so hard when everyone in the family gets infected. Believe me! The advice on how long to isolate varies (you can read all the resource links below). For me, the safest route is to wait until all blisters have dried before exposing yourself.

4.  Frequent handwashing is your safest defense. This holds true for both the infected person to avoid further spread and those who are not infected to avoid contamination.

5. Soak the sores in Bayabas water. Bayabas or Guava leaves are often used as an antiseptic, anti-inflammatory, anti-allergy, and antimicrobial herbal medicine. I don't often buy into these Filipino herbal cures but i was desperate enough to try it out. I asked our driver to go to Quiapo to buy some leaves since we didn't have access to any Guava tree. We boiled the leaves and soaked our infected hands and feet for a good 30 minutes. I was amazed. The sores were instantly better just after the first soaking. I did this again before going to sleep and twice a day for about 3 days after that. You can boil the same set of leaves twice and just discard after that.

Help educate others to avoid further spread. My husband kept saying 'Don't keep on calling it Hand, Foot, and Mouth like it's an animal's disease!  I understand where he is coming from because i had the same reaction the first time i heard about it. HFMD is often confused with foot-and-mouth disease which is a disease of cattle, sheep, and swine. These 2 are totally of different viruses and are not related at all. Humans don't get the animal disease and vise versa. So don't be ashamed to call it what it is. It's not an animal disease after all.

You can learn more about it in the following resource links:

Wikipedia -  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hand,_foot_and_mouth_disease 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention - http://www.cdc.gov/hand-foot-mouth/about/index.html 

Children WebMD - http://children.webmd.com/guide/hand-foot-and-mouth-disease-topic-overview 

Patient.co.Uk - http://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/Hand-Foot-and-Mouth-Disease.htm 

Please spread the word and not the virus!

 

NOTE: updates on our HFMD experience posted on http://densandfan.blogspot.in/2013/07/our-experience-with-hand-foot-and-mouth.html 

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Of Soccer Dreams and Faith Goals

Remember one of  my old blog posts about Troy's flat-foot? (Read about it here). Because of it, the ortho-pedia that we met a few years ago told us that Troy should not participate in any sport that involves a lot of running.

Last year when we visited Troy's school, he saw some older kids playing soccer. He told me afterwards that when he grows up, he also wants to play soccer like them. I said 'why not?'.  I know that medically it may seem difficult for Troy to truly be good at soccer because of his foot. But i also believe that God is greater than any medical limitation. For all I know, maybe God introduced us to Dr Kong so that we can start correcting Troy's foot problems early on!

Ever since Troy told me his dream to play soccer, i've added it to my list of faith goals. This concept was shared with me by one of my friends. Unlike the regular goals that we set for ourselves, faith goals are those that are impossible to achieve with our current resources. It is a goal that can only be achieved through faith in the Lord.

I know that Troy's heart's desires may still change. Maybe just six months from now he'd like to play basketball or baseball instead. But either way, i would like him to have the option to play the sport that he loves. This world may give us limitations but we pray to a God who is limitless! Wonderful, isn't it?

Now, what about you? What is your faith goal?

Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see"

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Bible Reading for Kids

I woke up this morning with Dawn sleeping soundly beside me.  I looked at the time and saw that i still have a few more minutes to spare before my alarm clock goes off.  As i was about to go back to sleep, i was surprised to see Dens and Troy already awake and reading Troy's children's bible. My surprise was not so much that they were reading the bible together, it was more because they were up extra early. If you know my husband well, you will know that sleep is oh-so-precious to him. That is why i appreciate him so much more when i saw that he took the effort to wake up early to have this special time with Troy.

Dens started their daily bible reading around 3 months ago.  Troy enjoys the stories and the time with his dad. He looks forward to it when he wakes up and makes sure the bible is on Dens' bedside before we go to sleep at night. On some nights, Troy would request for Dens to also read the bible to him before going to bed. In effect, he has two devotional time with the Lord in a day! That's double the quota i've set for myself during my 21-day challenge!

They have finished the entire children's bible and are just reviewing their favorite stories now. We have been using My First Bible from Good Books.  It has a lot of colorful illustration and the stories are simplified to make it easier for children to understand. There are a lot of children's bibles out there. Go to the bookstore with your child and have them pick out their favorite. We just might do that again with Troy soon.

Psalm 119:133 "Direct my steps by Your word"

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I Want to be a Supermodel!

I became a model in 2008...

...the moment I gave birth to Troy. I am not talking about the ramp or commercial kind, but the kind that all moms aspire to be the best at.

Before every bedtime, Dens and i would pray together with the kids. Troy would always pray first, followed by Dens and me.  I would always pray that Troy would grow up to be a good boy and that God would help Dens and me become good parents to our children. 

Last Saturday, while Dens and i were getting ready to sleep, Troy and Dawn were still busy tinkering and playing with our things in the bedroom. Dawn wanted to get something from our night table but Troy was blocking her way. Then Dawn said 'Ahia, go away'. I don't think she meant to be rude.  At 2 years old, she is still learning to choose her words wisely. But then again, we still needed to correct her.   I immediately called her attention and asked her to say 'excuse me' next time instead of 'go away'. After that, Troy asked me if he can also talk to Dawn himself. I said yes.  He brought Dawn to sit with him behind Dawn's crib (just as i would bring him to an isolated place when i needed to scold him) and talked to her.

I could hardly see them through the wooden bars of the crib but i can hear their conversation clearly.

Troy: "Dawn, next time don't say 'go away' to Ahia, okay?"
Dawn: "Okay"
Troy: "That's not so nice eh. Do you want Ahia to get angry?"
Dawn: "No"
Troy: "Next time, just say excuse me na lang.
Dawn: "Okay"
Troy: "What should you say to Ahia?"
Dawn: "Sorry, Ahia"

Dawn goes over and embraces Troy. Troy immediately kissed Dawn on the head and said "Ahia loves you naman. Ahia just wants you to be a good girl"

Before we slept that night, Troy's prayer included "Lord, I pray that Dawn will grow up to be a good girl. Please also help us so that we can help Dawn become a good girl"

I've read countless discipline books and applied a number of tips that i've learned from friends and families. But one thing that has always proved to be most important is to be a good role model to our kids. They really learn from us whether we like it or not. They take in the good with the bad.

I am far from perfect and i am learning to be a better person every single day.  My prayer is that i will be a supermodel to my kids. That if they eventually end up to be like me, I can confidently say 'It is well with me.'

Are you a supermodel?

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