The First Time I Met My Children

Do you still remember the first time you  met your children? I do. It was very different for all three of them. I'd like to share my story with you.

I still vividly remember the first time I was about to meet Tyler. I was filled with anxieties since i was already told that he had paralysis on the left side of his face. Fears of not being able to accept his deficiencies troubled me as i slowly entered the NICU. The moment i laid my eyes on him, i thought to myself "He's perfect". I felt that he was the most beautiful baby i have ever seen. After that initial impression, thoughts of his condition started to sink in. And i broke down in that NICU. It was the day we were checking out of the hospital. I cried all the way home wondering how many days his crib will remain empty.  I knew nothing then of what lied ahead of us in the coming months.

My pregnancy with Troy was the most joyful one. I had very little morning sickness and i was happy most of the time. We prayed for a little boy.  More than the blue-decorated nursery in our house, I knew that since we lost Tyler, there is that longing in my heart to be a mother to a healthy baby boy. God saw my heart and answered our prayers. I felt very connected with Troy during my pregnancy. I would talk to him and read stories to him. I already 'knew' him even before he was born. Then March 7 came and i gave birth to Troy. Dens wheeled me to the nursery, 24 hours post surgery, to breastfeed Troy.  I was about to meet him for the first time (save for those few glimpses that i had in the operating room).  I excitedly waited in the breastfeeding room for him. It felt like meeting Dens again for the first time after over a month of talking daily over the phone (but that's another story). I wondered how he looked like and how he would react to me. Then the nurse came in with Troy.  He was bundled in a light blue blanket and was handed over to me. I carried him and looked at him. My first thought was 'Oh wow, he's so beautiful.' I also remember thinking how he amazingly looks so much like Tyler.  I kept looking at him and cannot seem to fathom that this perfect little baby that i am carrying is my own.  Then i started to struggle with the concept of motherhood. What was i supposed to say to him now?  What do i do with him?  It was a concept i cannot seem to  immediately grasp. I felt disconnected somehow. It did truly feel like the first time i met Dens in person. There was a brief moment of awkwardness even though we were already so close over the phone. But just like that, the awkward feeling immediately went away. Tears started to form as i  continued to look at this baby who also stared back at me. He is so healthy. He is my child.  I held him tighter and i felt my heart swell with so much love and pride. I was filled with gratitude for this gift of life. I was officially a mom again.

Dawn came three years later.  During my pregnancy, I often felt tired and i hardly had the chance to read stories to Dawn. I was also busy doing my online shopping for girls' clothes and conducting surveys for girls' names more than anything. I was just excited to have a girl added to our small family.  The day after I gave birth to Dawn was the first time I was to meet her in person. I found myself waiting excitedly in that same breastfeeding room once again. I looked around the room and saw the familiar breastfeeding pumps and storage bags. They did not feel foreign anymore. I felt more at ease. Then the nurse came in with this tiny baby wrapped in a baby pink blanket.  And it felt different the this time. Even though i did not feel any connection during pregnancy, i somehow immediately felt drawn to her the moment i laid my eyes on her.  One look at her and i knew she was my child. My first thought was "She's so pretty!" I couldn't believe a baby can already look gender-specific. She truly looked like a girl.  I looked at her and i felt complete. She was another answer to my prayers. Another prophecy fulfilled. I was just amazed.

Meeting our children for the first time can come in different forms. Some of you may feel that instant connection like i did with Dawn, while others may also struggle with the idea of mothering a child like i did with Troy. Regardless of how your first meeting will become, one thing is certain.  It will all lead to this feeling of pure and unconditional love.  A love so fierce that overwhelms you.  And from that moment on,  you will stay in love forever.