On Letting Go and Moving On

I recently read an except from the book Lament for a Son. The book is written by a father who lost his son through an accident.  I have not read the entire book but I thought the words written holds true for those of us who have experienced grief.

 

Rather often I am asked whether the grief remains as intense as when I wrote. The answer is, No. The wound is no longer raw. But it has not disappeared. That is as it should be. If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over.

 

Grief is an existential testimony to the worth of the one loved. That worth abides. So I own my grief. I do not try to put it behind me, to get over it, to forget it… Every lament is a love-song.

The months following Tyler's passing, I remember wanting to cry.  And it's not uncontrollable crying. It's almost like I was intentionally making myself sad by remembering Tyler. Similar to how you want to watch sad movies and do a cryfest or tempting yourself to a horror movie only to scare yourself silly days after. I just wanted to cry. It's not because I am a sadist of some sort; but somehow,  I felt that crying validates my grief. And my grief, validates Tyler's existence.

 

This is one thing I came to realize. You should allow yourself to feel sad. Days after Tyler passed away, a number of well-meaning friends have said words like "You should move on" or "You need to let go".  I know it's good advice in the general scheme of my life. But during that season of my life, i did not want to move on. I did not want to let go. Moving on and letting go, to me, felt like forgetting Tyler.

 

I remember having the same thoughts weeks after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I did not want to move on. It was a good relationship that just did not work out the way we wanted it to.  Moving on felt like forgetting the relationship. And I needed time to wallow in my sadness. And in hindsight, I think, that's all right too.

 

I like the line from the book that says If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over.  When we grieve over someone, it just tells others that the person was loved by us. It's okay to be sad. And when you're done being sad, then that's the time you move on. And you don't need to force yourself to let go of the pain. Time, as I have come to understand, does that for us.

 

If you are still in the season of grief, let me tell you this: It's okay to be sad and it's okay to cry. It does not make you any less stronger. It just makes you human.  Take it from someone who still cries at random events and needs a box of tissue every now and then.