What is Your Children's Love Language?

Last night during our pillow talk session with the kids, I asked both my children two important questions.

1. Do you think Mommy loves you?

2. What makes you say that mommy loves you? (assuming, of course, that they answered YES to the first question)

Both of them said yes to the first question without hesitation. They were a little bit confused with the second question so I gave them choices based on the Five Love Languages.

Do you feel most loved by Mom when I:

a. Give you gifts (Gifts) - they both shaked their heads no, which is quite surprising for little kids who loves receiving gifts.

b. Say "I love you" to you (Words of Affirmation) - my 5-year old girl was quiet but my 8-year old said "Not really because anyone can say that"

c. Watch a movie with you or play with you (Quality Time) - to this my 5-year old girl excitedly said "Yes! Yes! Spend time with us! Family time!" and my son thought about it a little bit but asked if there were more choices.

d. Embrace you (Physical Touch) - my 5-year old girl said "I like that too!". My 8-year old son, on the other hand, just laughed.

e. Give you a bath or tutor you? (Acts of Service) - my excited 5-year old said "I only like it when you take a bath with me!" which leads me to think it was more quality time than acts of service. But what my 8-year old son said was quite surprising and enlightening to me. He said "I think that one! Because when you do something for us, it's not like you really like to do it. Like when you tutor me, you don't like it but you do it because you love me and you want me to learn"

My daughter's answers were pretty much on point.  She really loves spending time with us and looks forward to our weekly family movie time and bible study. Throughout these moments, she loves to cuddle with the entire family. So Physical Touch was also not a surprise too.

With Troy, I have always suspected that his love language was Acts of Service even when he was small. I noticed that whenever I get to feed him and give him baths during our family vacations or on weekends, he would always be so attached to me. But when I go back to the office and his yaya does most of it, he would gravitate towards her. It was not so much the time spent together but that he appreciated that I was making the effort to feed and bathe him. He would even ask me then if I also gave him a bath when he was a baby.

Troy is now 8 and do not need us to feed or bathe him anymore. Our acts of service now come in the form of teaching him his lessons (tutor), helping him build a lego project, or cooking something he likes to eat.

I learned so much from Gary Chapman's Five Languages of Love (that I shared on a post in 2012). I might read that book again now that I have identified my children's love language.

I encourage you to try the same Q & A with your children and zero in on their love language. Read the book if you want to learn more. Making your kids feel loved is always a worthy investment!

 

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The Things You Do For Love

It happened on Valentine's day.  I was tasked to host a special event in church as I usually do. The program was a mix of couple games, videos of old photos, and song numbers by husbands who serenaded their wives.  Towards the end of the night, I called the last scheduled singer up on stage. I looked at him and positioned to give him the microphone but he remained sitting down, smiling at me. I thought, maybe he did not realize I already called him. But before I could say anything further, music started to fill the room. Then I heard a guy singing...or something like that. A few seconds later, I saw my husband coming from the back of the room, walking towards me singing our song. The things we do for love. Now if you know Dens, you will understand why this gesture is so special. This guy cannot carry a tune, I tell you. But he has a big heart and a lot of courage to do things over and beyond his capabilities for the people he loves. That is one of the million reasons why I am in love with him.

 

Last week one of our good friends tagged Dens and I on Facebook. He said this video reminded him of Dens. I watched it and cried my heart out. It does look like something Dens would do. There is no shame in loving with all of our hearts.  

So, love, when's your first ballet recital with Dawn? :)

...and oh, by the way, Happy 15 years :)

 

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Falling In Love

"I am so in love with my daughter!" he said with wonder in his eyes. "And i'm not saying i love her, Tiff. I'm saying i am IN LOVE with her!"

This was about 9 years ago.  A year before i became a mom.  I vividly remember how we were walking along the streets of Makati when he said this to me out of the blue. Just to give you a better picture, this is my Singaporean friend.  He is a 30 something fitness buff who is an expert in calculating financial risks. Imagine a guy who soars in the financial world exclaiming how 'in love' he is with his then 6-year old daughter in the middle of nowhere. I remember looking at him and wondering what exactly he's saying.  How different is it to love your child and be 'in love' with her?  I remember telling him 'Maybe i'll understand you better when i become a mom'.  Later that year, i became pregnant.

My kids are now 6 and 3 (if you're doing the math and wondering where the 2 years went since i got pregnant 9 years ago, you need to read THIS).  Every night before we sleep, i would look at my two children and my heart will swell with so much love.  So much love that i can physically feel it.  Do you remember that feeling?  The kind of love that gives you butterflies in the stomach. The kind of love that makes you smile on a stressful day.  The kind of love that makes you want rush home and spend each precious hour with them. The kind of love that keeps you up late at night imagining what your future holds.  Isn't that how it feels each time we fall in love?

The thought uttered 9 years ago that sounded so foreign to me, resonates with my heart now.  Yes, i am so in love with my children. Now i understand how loving your children and being in-love with them sounds like the same thing but feels completely different.  The journey of parenthood introduces us to these totally unexpected emotions and continues to reveal new sides of ourselves that we have not known before.

Today i am putting this thought out there so that when my kids are old enough to surf through the net, they will know.  That even on my really bad days, i only have to think of them and joy fills my heart. And I am in love all over again.

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Of Dragons, Love and Forgiveness

So we were finally able to watch How to Train Your Dragon 2 last Saturday. I never thought i can cry so much watching an animated adventure movie.

After 20 long years, Stoick (the dad of Hiccup, the main character) saw his wife once again.  He thought all the while that she was already dead. It turned out that it was her decision not to return to her family anymore.  Instead, she decided to focus on her passion which was taking care of the dragons.

The first time Stoick saw his wife, she mumbled apologies and explanations - trying to control the wrath that may be awaiting her. But the only thing that her husband said was "You're as beautiful as the day I lost you"  

I was so moved by his words. Until the end, he never questioned why she left him. Only loved her unconditionally and did his best to win her back.  There was no discussion on why she did what she did.  It was instant forgiveness.  Love abounded in him and overflowed to her.  Amazing true love...and such a wonderful example to his son.

Beautiful beautiful movie. Watch the video clips below.  Better yet, watch the film. It's worth the 115 minutes of your time.

1 Peter 4:8
"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

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Quick Guide on How to Raise a Happy, Successful, and Cooperative Child

I got this a long long time ago from Pam's blog and saw i would like to share this with you.  

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I Love You No Matter What

A few Sundays ago, I was talking to Troy about controlling his anger. He got into a fight with one of his friends during Sunday school. They were able to immediately patch things up but I still had to sit him down for a talk.  During our discussion, I asked him if he understood what i was telling him. He said he did. He went on to say 'It's not good to fight noh, Mom? Jesus will be sad if i keep on fighting.' So i nodded and he continued. 'I will not fight na next time.  Diba, Mom, you will also be sad if i get hurt?' So i said 'Yes, of course. Do you know why?' then he said 'Yes, because you love me'.  Then i took the opportunity to prod further. I asked 'How about when Mom gets really angry and spanks you? Do you think i still love you?' Then he answered 'Yes, you just spank me sometimes because you want me to learn. I know you love me naman'. 

That surely warmed my heart. It has always been my goal to discipline our children with love. I stand by the concept that if you don't show enough love to your child, then you should not be the one to discipline. They will just take it as a punishment and not effectively learn from it. They will grow up hurt and resentful rather than loved and confident.

I like my children to know that their dad and i will love them no matter what. They are not perfect kids and they will commit mistakes. I want them to have the courage to speak to us, knowing that we will always deal with them with love.

Proverbs 22:6
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

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Finding The Balance: Love and Discipline

It usually starts out as a perfect sunny morning. My little girl would wake up first and immediately wants to play with her older brother. She squirms herself down the bed and walks over to the other side of the room where her older brother is still sleeping. She wakes him up and he embraces her and and asks what she likes to play. They would then go to one side of the room playing with their toys and laughing to their hearts' content.

This is the wonderful scene almost every morning in our home. How I wish it stays that way the whole day.

I normally go home from work around 5:30pm. The two kids would come rushing to me with their arms wide open. The little girl immediately asks me to carry her while her older brother starts enumerating what his little sister has done wrong during the day. From hitting him to throwing his toys. Our yaya would then defend the little girl saying the older brother refused to share which caused the hitting and throwing in the first place. What happened to the loving siblings just 11 hours ago???

It is sometimes very overwhelming, isn't it? Moments of sweet quiet joy quickly turns into utter chaos. The inner mommy monster within you is unleashed to your dismay.

Throughout my journey as a new mom, i have been constantly on the lookout for books that would help me raise confident, respectful, and God-fearing children. From my countless readings, i am convinced that before you can discipline effectively, your child must first have the assurance that he is loved by his parent unconditionally.

My parenting equation is:

LOVE + DISCIPLINE = CONFIDENT, RESPECTFUL, and GOD-FEARING KIDS

And with that, i would like to share with you two wonderful books that have really helped me be a better parent.

1.  The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.

If you are familiar with Gary Chapman's other books (The Five Love Languages), you will already understand the concept of this book. All of us communicate love differently. It can vary from (1) Acts of service, (2) Quality time, (3) Physical touch, (4) Words of affirmation, (5) Receiving gifts. It is very important for us to determine what our child's love language is in order for us to align the way we show our love for them with their love language. For example, your child's love language is Quality Time but you have been so busy with work. You think giving him gifts (a.k.a. pasalubong) from the office will compensate. But since his love language is Quality Time, he will have a hard time relating that the gifts you are giving him is a sign of your love.

The book is truly an eye opener. I bought my copy from Amazon since i can't find it here in the Philippines. I assure you it's worth your time and money.

2.  Taming Your Family Zoo by Donna Jones

I love this book! It gives very practical and simple tips on how to raise well-mannered kids. This book promises results in six weeks! I haven't been as diligent to apply all that i've learned so I cannot attest to the six-week guarantee, but I know for sure this book has already helped us a lot.

This is a great book not only for parents of toddlers but also for those with difficult teenagers. It guides parents how to turn everyday activities into 'teachable moments' that children will remember for the rest of their lives.

I got my copy of Taming Your Family Zoo from last year's book fair at the SMX.  I think it was being sold at one of the Christian bookstores (either OMF or CSM). Hope you find a copy too!

Enjoy your journey to becoming the best parents for your children!

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