Losing Tyler

It was a Saturday morning, exactly 10 years ago, when I picked up that dreadful phone call.

 
For those of you whom my husband and I have only met recently, you may not know that we once had a baby boy named Tyler.  We lost him when he was only two months old due to a congenital problem that affected his heart and brain development.

To say that the months following Tyler's death was difficult would be an understatement.  He was our first child, the first nephew of my sisters, and the first grandchild of my parents.  While losing Tyler meant grieving the loss of our son, to me it also meant losing my chance to finally call myself a mother. 
 

Immediately after losing Tyler, we went to see the doctor to check if I was healthy enough for another pregnancy. After some tests, we were told that it may be difficult for me to conceive naturally due to my polycystic ovaries.  But I knew that my God is greater than any medical limitation.  So we trusted in Him and waited for his perfect time.

Throughout the months after God took Tyler home, I found solace in God’s word. I read it like I’ve never read the Bible before. I was reminded of verses that I have read over and over as a child. They suddenly became anchors for me to be still at a time when my heart felt very confused.  Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future” – this verse was not new to me but it was a promise that I held on and claimed repeatedly as I prayed to the Lord.

I decided to surround myself with God's word.

Literally! 

I would write down countless verses that spoke to me on yellow post-it notes and stick them on the wall above our bed. Verses such as Philippians 4:6-7 which reminds me not to be anxious about anything.  But by prayer with thanksgiving, I just had to present my requests that God. And He promised to give me peace that transcends all  understanding.  I would read each of them before I slept and then again as soon as I woke up.  They were a constant reminder that regardless of the season we were in, our Savior is a good good father.

God’s word powered me through life and his promises unfolded one by one.  On that beautiful morning in March of 2008, I once again held a tiny baby boy in my arms. This time, a very healthy and normal baby. We named him Troy.  The Lord fulfilled Jeremiah 29:11 that day.  I saw hope and the beautiful future he had planned out for us in the eyes of our child.

And contrary to expectations, I was not afraid all throughout the pregnancy. It was supernatural how I was not anxious. It was supernatural how I was not worried that our baby would have the same condition as Tyler. I was overjoyed with His blessing. And I was at peace. It was the kind of peace described through Philippians 4:7. It indeed transcended all understanding. Again, another promise unfolded.

God's word is always true. He may not have healed Tyler physically, but He healed our hearts.  I have shared this before and I want to share it again. My mom would constantly remind me of God's promise through Psalm 30:5 after Tyler's passing. "Weeping may last for a night, but His joy comes in the morning".  And indeed, another joy came to us one early morning in 2011. We named her Dawn.

It has been almost 10 years since I was told that motherhood seemed loss for me. But God’s promises prevailed. Every morning I wake up and I see two little miracles sleeping beside me.  They will always be a reminder of how much God loves me. They are a testament of God’s power and love. His word is always true. His promises will always be fulfilled.

Whatever season you are in right now, I encourage you to go to His word.  Find the peace that only He can give.  Claim His promises. And watch your beautiful future unfold.